Black Day
by tbka
Summary: Those haunting eyes again, will they ever truly disappear? Or will Kakashi harbor them for the rest of his life? :: What does Kakashi’s Black Day mean to himself and his friends? What’s the reason behind it and why does he change so much? ::Complete::
1. Hatake Kakashi

**Black Day**

_**Summary: "**She doesn't know what to do, she's only ever heard of this day of mine, she's never seen it, never witnessed how destroyed I get."_

_**Genre: **Angst_

_**Rating: **T_

_**Author's Notes: **Yet another Kakashi One Shot. I've fallen into the "Kakashi depressed" story trap. I can't get the plot bunnies out of my head! sigh I don't really like this story, Kakashi just seems to out of character for my liking (as in insanely depressed!) but oh well, I'm posting it anyways. Just because I can. Oh, and because I like to procrastinate on h/w. It's Spring Break anyways so h/w isn't important, I have a week of procrastinating, yah! _

_**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto so don't sue me! That is all._

**_Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors. I tried my best but I'm not perfect and we all know that spell-check doesn't catch everything (and I don't have a Beta-Reader because…well, I have no reason why, just because!! Okay!!). Also, I'm not an expert on Naruto and will never claim to be. I tried to stay as close to the timeline and the story as possible but if I made any mistakes then I'm sorry (and just ignore them, or politely point them out in a review and I'll try my best to fix them). May I also add the writing in 1st person is incredible hard!!!! sigh But it just sounds so much better when I finally get it right…oh well._**

**Please R&R…Thanks!**

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_**Part of The Kakashi Chronicles, that currently include (in chronological order):**  
Fade to Black  
Black Day  
Self-Sustained Hell  
Left Behind_  
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It wasn't that I forgot about their training, no, I just simply couldn't bring myself to leave my apartment. Not today, never today. For over a decade I have only ever been seen once on this day, and that had not been a good day. I nearly lost myself that day, and I nearly got the four Jounins on that mission killed. No, it's best for me to not be seen on this day.

Perhaps I should've told them yesterday not to bother to come, not to bother to wait for me. I know they'll probably wait all day; after all, I'm always late anyways.

Today there will be no Memorial Stone, there will be no training, no missions, no briefings, no words uttered or voices heard. Today was my day, and as those of my generation and the older generation said: today was my black day, Hatake Kakashi's black day.

Today, I will not be seen.

I wonder if they know about this day? Had they ever been told? Did anyone ever warn them? I figure that Sakura might've been told by her parents, maybe even Sasuke. Naruto on the other hand probably had no clue.

I hope they don't know. Or if they do know, I hope they don't know why.

I don't like people knowing why; the less who know why then the better. Let his memory fade, let his actions be forgotten. I wish I could forget; it would be so much easier if I could just forget.

I can feel the blade of the kunai digging into the palm of my right hand. I stare in the mirror; two eyes full of guilt and sadness are mirrored back to me, one gray and one red. My anger grows; I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. Anger at my father, but it's not really anger, it's guilt, and it's not really directed at my father, it's directed at me. It's just so much simpler to deal with when it's not me who's fucked up, so much simpler when I can pretend it's all because of my father. It's a perfect excuse; why not use it if I can?

The sun shines through the window behind me, casting an eerie light on my face and strange shadows throughout the room, distorting the mirror image I see. As my anger grows my fists clench tighter.

The kunai breaks through skin and I feel it sink in deeper and deeper. I hear the rhythmic sound of my blood hit the tiles of my bathroom floor; it's comforting in its own twisted way. I clench my fists tighter, just to see how long it will take, how long before I can feel.

Is it wrong that it doesn't hurt? I never feel anything on this day anyways so it doesn't really matter.

Will someone come this year? Has anyone noticed? There's a meeting today, I should go. If I left now I'd still make it, I'd be late but not overly late, not any later than normal. Will anyone notice I'm not there? Will anyone remember that today is my black day?

I wonder who thought up of the name "black day?" It's catchy, they should be proud of themselves. I wonder if someone will make it into a song when I die; one of those mocking songs that the children sing.

They have one for my father, it would only be fitting that I have one too.

A couple years ago Iruka had been sent to find me for my presence had been required at a particularly important meeting. They didn't seem to care that it was my black day, to them that wasn't important.

I nearly killed Iruka.

I never meant to, on this day I can't control my emotions, my actions. What I do can't be held against me, they learnt that then. They realized just what this day means to me, what this day does to me. They understood when they found Iruka in that pool of blood on my kitchen floor and me standing there, it was the first time they had seen me crying.

They never spoke to me about that day, they pretended it never happened. They don't want to deal with me, they never have. It's easier for them to leave me alone. I don't really care anyways; it's easier for me too.

I ignore the pain, I repress it every single day of my life and it comes flooding out on this day. I'm surprised I haven't gone on a murderous rampage yet, I'm surprised I still have my sanity.

What makes it hurt even more is the fact that it's not just my father who died on this day, but Obito too. Two people, years apart, dieing on the same day, fate? Coincidence? Or some sort of punishment from an unknown force? I'll never know, but it hurts, it hurts more with every year. Time has never healed this wound; time has only made it worse. The more I live, the longer they have been dead, and the longer I'm forced to suffer.

Sometimes, in the middle of a battle, I wonder how easy it would be to just die. To make it look like I had made a mistake, a misjudgment, and had been killed. It was an option I entertained every single day of every single mission I have ever taken on since my father's death, and then Obito's. Would anyone notice if I did that? Would they figure out I did it on purpose? Would they remember me, does anyone care? They only problem with that plan is that my name would get carved into the Memorial Stone and I can't have that. My name doesn't belong there, it never will, it never has. I don't deserve to be a hero, I don't deserve life and I don't deserve death. So what do I deserve?

Something in the back of my mind is screaming at me. It must be the voice still connected to the present, still connected to reality. It yells at me, telling me someone is here, that I have to leave if I don't want to end up hurting someone. I hear the sound of knocking at my door, voices, words, things I can't comprehend, things I don't care about. A reality that I've shut out and ignored. The voice grows smaller, quieter, the voices fade away. I block it all, my eyes focused on the face reflected in the mirror, the unmasked face, the revealed face.

Here I stand, day after day I get up and hide myself from the world, hide myself from interaction. With my mask I can pretend I'm not me, I can pretend I don't care. My whole life is a farce, a play with perfectly written lines and scripted scenes. I've crafted my reactions to every possible situation I can think of, I'm rarely caught of guard, I rarely reveal who I am. Why? Why do I live like this? Why can't I just be who am.

Do I even know who I am?

The anger boils over, all the anger and the frustration and the guilt and every other repressive emotion becomes too much and I punch the mirror. I watch my reflection shatter, my face falling apart into tiny shards that fall on to the floor, too quietly for my liking. The shattered mirror matches my shattered soul perfectly; my mind fell with the fragments of mirror, the fragments of sanity.

"Kakashi?" A voice whispers to my right, I didn't bother to identify it. I never noticed that they had come in.

They could see me from my front door; I should've closed my bathroom door but I didn't and now they can clearly see me, see the mess I've made of myself. My left hand grips the edge of the sink tighter. I never even noticed I had even moved it. I stare at my fist, still frozen against the wall, where my mirror once was. I see the blood from the kunai I still grasp and the cuts on my knuckles from the mirror. I watch the droplets of my blood fall on to the taps of the sink, squirm down the porcelain and collect in pools on the floor, never straying from the same three paths that twisted and intertwined with each other.

"Kakashi?" Another voice whispers, a younger voice, a female voice, "The Hokage has requested your prese…."

I cut her off with my kunai, throwing it at her in one swift movement. She dodges easily but I can feel her fear, I can smell it. It stinks worse then my tainted blood. She doesn't know what to do, she's only ever heard of this day of mine, she's never seen it, never witnessed how destroyed I get. Asuma, on the other hand, saw me the day I almost killed Iruka. Actually, he's seen me on far too many of these days over the years. Stubbornness maybe? I don't really know. He refuses to be like everyone else and just ignore these days. Even when he doesn't see me on them the next day he will always ask how I am, ask if I need to talk.

He's one of those people who don't understand that trying to be my friend is only going to get you killed in the end. It's better to stay away from me, I'm just a curse.

I drop my right arm, letting it fall to my side. The blood continues to fall, creating a new puddle on the floor. The smell's getting stronger, harder to ignore, harder to push away.

"Kakashi, the Hokage said…"

"Get out," I interrupt her, "I don't care what the Hokage says, just leave before I hurt you. I don't need your help!"

I guess it would've sounded more sincere if my voice wasn't shaking and I hadn't just purposely injured myself. But this is all I can give them and I hope they take it and leave me to be, leave me alone.

"Kaka…"

"Get out!" I scream, slamming my right fist on the edge of the sink. The porcelain cracks and I watch my blood flow in and fill the small voids. It almost looks like tiny streams, bloody streams, death streams.

"Kurenai," I hear Asuma whisper to her, "let me deal with this, okay?"

She didn't respond, at least not with any verbal response that I can hear. I listen to Asuma's footsteps as he makes his way over to me. I watch his shadow come closer and closer and when he came within reach I struck out with my right hand, my bloody hand clenched in a bloody fist. I strike with the deadly accuracy I've spent so many years perfecting; bone on flesh, knuckles on cheek. He steps back, he's head snapped to the side. I watch, breathing more heavily then I should be. I feel the anger rise inside of me, consume me, and control me. I feel like I did the day I almost killed Iruka. Would I do it to Asuma? I can't say, I can't predict the future.

He turns his head, his brown eyes locking with mine. Did he see what I saw in my own eyes? Did he see the failure and the sadness, the guilty and the loneliness? I don't know, and I know I'll never ask. But I see in his eyes sadness, even regret? I'm not quite sure. It's harder to look into the eyes of others, harder to stare at someone else. There's a saying that the eyes are the windows to the soul.

There's nothing truer.

We stand in silence for some undetermined amount of time. I don't care to keep track, I never do. Whether Asuma knew every minute that went by, whether he counted every second, I don't know and I really don't care.

He makes the first move, says the first words, "You don't have to do this Kakashi. You don't have to suffer like this. We can help you, if you just listen to us, just let us."

I move forward, move to strike down my enemy, move to kill him. I can't control myself anymore, all I know is I can't let him live. Not after seeing me like this.

There's a kunai on my neck, a person behind me. I freeze, one move and I'm dead. But would it really be that bad? I can just die now, let him live with the guilt of killing me. See how he manages to deal with the pain, see how he suffers.

"You don't fight with kunais," I whisper to the man.

I can't believe Asuma got the better of me.

"I know I can't fight you with my trench knives. The secret to defeating you is to fight out of my comfort range, to fight how you wouldn't suspect. Plus, in your psychotic state you're not the great Copy Ninja Kakashi I know."

"I'm not psychotic!" I scream, louder then I had intended, more angrily then I had intended.

I grab his wrist, my blood soaking into his clothes, and I elbow him in the face. His grip slackens slightly and I use the moment to my advantage. Pushing forward I break free of his clutch and stumble forwards. Only to meet someone else, someone wearing all green, someone I hadn't noticed. Someone who happened to be the last person I would ever want to see me on this day, in this condition.

It's true that I really don't care about our "rivalry," if you can call it that, but that's mainly because I know that I'm stronger than him. But I still don't like him to see me at my weakest, fuck I don't like anyone to see me at my weakest. But him! Him! Of all people why did **he** have to come? What possessed him? Did he just want to laugh at me, just want to finally see me on a day when he could defeat me?

I try to push away from him but he grabs my wrists and prevents me from getting away. Asuma steps behind me again and wraps his arms around my stomach, locking me in their grasps. No matter how much I tried to twist away I can't, no matter how much I struggle I can't get free. I can't even punch, I can't even kick. Asuma has his right leg wrapped around my right leg and **he** has his right leg wrapped around my left leg. I'm immobilized, rendered completely useless.

And Kurenai just stands there, watching, terrified and confused. She doesn't know what to do, what to make of the situation, what to make of me. It's ironic really, she's a Jounin, and you would never expect her to freeze like this, to become this scared. But then again, she's always been too sensitive, too emotional.

"Let go of me," I growl, yes, growl like a dog. I can't believe how weak and pathetic I am. What is happening to me?

**He** just shakes his head, is that sadness in his eyes? Now that was something new.

"Why are you here!" I shout, "Why did you come along! Did you just want to see me at my weakest? See me when you actually have a chance of beating me!"

He just looks at me, doesn't say a word, doesn't make a response.

I blink; he's usually never at a loss for words, never like this, "Gai?" I whisper, not bothering to hide the confusion in my voice.

He still doesn't respond, but his grip slackens the tiniest bit and I grab the opportunity. In a flash I break my hands free and punch Gai in the stomach, he reacts on instinct and tries to grab me again but I use my surprise attack to my advantage and break my left leg free. I twist around a kick Asuma in the stomach, using the force to push myself back, away from the two ninjas and closer to the door, closer to where I can escape. I land in a crouched position, left arm supporting my body, right arm poised, ready for a block or an attack.

After spending a second to assess the situation I realize that I have to go now or be stuck here, there is no way I was going to be able to beat the three of them in my state, unless I only killed them. I glance over at Kurenai and see that she still hasn't moved. Whether she will make to stop me or not I don't know, but I have to risk it. It's now or never.

I spin around, jump up, and make for the door.

But I stop running, my body freezes as I watch someone come into view, closing my door behind him. It's Shikaku and his fucking Kage Shibari no Jutsu. He straightens up and my body copies his, stupid shadow binding technique.

"The Hokage requests that you come now, he doesn't wish to make everyone wait any longer," He drawls.

"Bastard," I mutter, "When did you get here?"

"Just now," he replied in his ever present bored tone. No wonder he's son was so lazy, got it from his father, "I wouldn't be here unless the Hokage sent me, I'm not too inclined to get you pissed off and get myself murdered. I like living, its semi-fun, not that you would really know."

I glare at him, actually glare. Holy shit was I ever acting like an irresponsible child.

"Kurenai, why don't you actually do something?" Shikaku continues as if I wasn't even there. I couldn't see Kurenai's response; she was behind me, out of my line of vision.

"Go in the bathroom, find a medic kit, and bandage Kakashi's cuts before he bleeds all over his apartment. You do have a medic kit right?"

"Yes," I respond, realizing that there was no way I was getting out of this. I was getting dragged to this meeting no matter what. I was getting dragged into reality on my black day no matter what I did. There was no way I was going to break out of the Kage Shibari in my current condition.

I listen to the silence that followed: the only sound coming from Kurenai as she searched the bathroom for the medic kit. A few minutes later Kurenai walked over to me and I watch as Shikaku's arm moves up and he twists it around so the his palm and forearm were facing up, my right hand follows his. I stare at Shikaku, mainly because he as staring at me and I couldn't move my head until he did. I could see Kurenai's hands shaking as she cleans the cut from the kunai and bandages it. A couple minutes later she finished cleaning the small cuts from the when I broke the mirror.

She's moves away and I watch as Shikaku lowers his arm, and I feel my arm move along with his. I listen to their breathing as the five of us stand in silence.

"Kakashi," Kurenai says, her voice shaking slightly, "When's the last time you ate anything? You look far too thin."

I blink, letting her question sink in. I think about it, think about it for longer then I should've needed too. It was a simple question yet I couldn't find an answer.

"I don't know," I finally reply, my anger growing once again, "It's also none of your business. I can take care of myself. I am an adult you know."

"Kakashi," Shikaku begins, ignoring the previous question, "If I release the Kage Shibari will you try to get away again?"

"No," I lied, "You guys win, I can't defeat you all."

I can't believe that he believes me. He releases the Kage Shibari and I welcome the relief of knowing I can move again. I felt so helpless under his Jutsu.

Asuma walks up behind me and puts his right hand on my left shoulder, "Come on Kakashi, let's go."

I nod, waiting for my opportunity, formatting my plan. I can easily break through my window and get out that way. Asuma starts to walk past me on my left but in one swift movement I grab Asuma's right shoulder and with my right hand I grab a kunai from the holster on my leg and shove it into he's stomach. I don't wait for a response; I only have a limited amount of time to work with. In a few more seconds I run to the window and using my elbow I break it, jumping through and landing on the covered balcony that encircles the whole apartment on each floor. I get up from my crouched position and run over to the railing, I jump over it and land on the grass, three stories below.

"Kakashi?"

I freeze in the low crouch, left hand on the ground, supporting my upper body, right hand hugged in close to my stomach, trying to get ride of the stitch in my left side. I look up to see the Hokage standing in front of me; it was he who spoke my name.

"Attacking your teammates again?"

I look down at my right hand; it was covered in Asuma's blood. Had I hurt him? I didn't remember. I stand up and my vision goes blurry, the world starts to spin and I squint at the Hokage. Why were there three of him? What was going on?

"You've pushed yourself to hard," I faintly hear him say, "I was hoping you'd get to the meeting in one piece but it seems I was hoping for too much. I guess I should send more then four Jounins next time." All three of him shrug. "You really should try to take care of yourself better around this time of the year. From the looks of it you haven't eaten much in the last month or so, your wasting away. Your body doesn't have the strength to keep going. And you really should have your Sharingan covered, it's using too much of your Chakra."

"I give him a minute before he passes out," someone says from behind me. I'm surprised I can still determine my directions. I turn around to stare at the crouched form of Gai as he lands from jumping off the balcony. There were three of him too.

God, one Gai is annoying enough to look at, but three of him?

I watch as three Kurenai's, three Asuma's, and three Shikaku's land in the same crouched position behind Gai. All four of them straighten up at the same time. My eyes are drawn to Asuma's stomach and the blood that he was trying to stop with his hand. It doesn't look like a serious injury but I know I'm close to killing them. My anger is becoming uncontrollable. I hoped I would pass out before then, pass out before I can hurt them.

But I don't. I blink a couple times and my vision returns to normal. The three versions of everyone morph into one. I turn around to face the Hokage again and look into his eyes. I couldn't figure out what emotion is playing around in there but it twists my stomach into knots.

"I'm sorry Kakashi, I would've left you alone if I could've but we need you at this meeting. Can you please come? And can you please stop trying to murder everyone who's trying to help you?"

I look away from the Hokage and watch two birds building a nest in a tree. I let the time pass by, not caring about anything. I listen to my raged breathing and try to calm it down. I listen to my screaming body and smell the tainted blood that surrounds my senses.

"Fine Sarutobi," I whisper, still keeping my head turned and not looking at anyone, "I'm sorry."

I drop my gaze to the ground; I'm too ashamed to look at the Hokage. I'm too much of a disgrace to be here anymore.

I hate my black day.

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_**Author's Note:** So far this is a one shot but I may continue it if you guys want me too. If I do continue it it will be in the form of the POV of each separate person in the story as a single chapter. So like one chapter with Gai's POV, one with Asuma's POV, one with Kurenai's POV, one with Shikaku's POV, and maybe one with the Hokage's POV. Just so you can sort of see what's going on in their heads and what they think about everything. So if you want me to do that then just tell me in a review, I'm not going to do it if only like one person is interested in it. _

_So, if you want me to continue with this story then write in a review with whose POV you want me to do first and the majority will win. Then I'll do the second popular, and the third popular, and so on. But this is only if there's enough interest. Because I'm lazy and have h/w and retarded stuff like that to do and I don't really feel like spending my time writing more to this story if no one wants me to._

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	2. Sarutobi Asuma

**Black Day**

_**Summary: **It's like he doesn't even try anymore, like he's given up on himself. Well I'll be damned if I give up on him. / What does Kakashi's Black Day means to himself and his friends? What's the reason behind it and why does he change so much? .:.Ch.2 Up, Asuma's POV.:._

_**Genre: **Angst_

_**Rating: **T_

_**Author's Notes: **It's the second installment of this story which was originally just going to be a one shot. Yah? Nah? I don't know. However I do know I really should stop this procrastination on my h/w and all, Spring Break doesn't last forever.. _

_**P.S.: **82 hits and only 4 reviews? Come on, you guys can do better then that! Reviews make me happy, happy me means I update quicker. So please review, pretty please//begs/_

_**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto. Don't sue._

**Please R&R…Thanks!**

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"Asuma."

"Yes Kurenai?" I ask; pausing my hand just as it was about to knock on my friend's door.

"I think you should put out your cigarette."

I lower my arm and send a quizzical look her way, "And why would I do that?"

"Because Kakashi doesn't like the smell of cigarettes, you know that," she replies, the nervousness showing through her voice.

"And since when do I care about Kakashi's smell preferences?" I reply more harshly. I just want to get Kakashi so we can all go to this stupid meeting and get it over with.

"Asuma," she says with an exasperated sigh, "Did you forget what day it is? Did you forget why we're here in the first place? I want to get Kakashi and leave and not die in the process. Our chances of not dieing are much better if we don't piss Kakashi off, and smoking will piss him off."

"I have to agree with her," Shikaku speaks up from his position leaning on the railing.

I roll my eyes and turn to face Shikaku, "And why do you even care? You're not even going in his apartment, you're completely out of danger you know."

"Just because I'm here for back-up doesn't mean I'm not potentially going to get killed. This isn't Kakashi we're facing today its psychotic Kakashi. But you already know that since you saw what he did to Iruka a few years ago. I for one want to take all measures possible to avoid myself ending up like Iruka, and you getting rid of your cigarette is one of those vital measures."

"Fine," I grab the cigarette out of my mouth and drop it on the floor, putting it out with the heel of my shoe, "Everybody ready?" The three of them nod, it was only then that I realized that Gai had not spoken a word. Odd.

I knock. No response. I knock louder. Still no response.

"Kakashi!" I call out, I know he's in there, I can feel his presence. He's not even trying to hide himself.

"Kakashi!" I call out louder.

"Kakashi!" Kurenai yells, knocking on the door.

I hear Shikaku sigh behind me and I turn around, "What?"

"Why don't you just go in?" He says in his bored tone.

I turn around and nod at Kurenai; she reaches out and turns the doorknob. The door opens. I didn't expect it to be unlocked. Kakashi can be an idiot sometimes.

I walk in first, Kurenai behind me and Gai behind her. Shikaku stays outside; he's the back-up. He's there incase Kakashi tries to escape.

I freeze after a couple steps, freeze from shock and horror. I've only ever seen the aftermath of Kakashi's black day. I've never seen Kakashi in the middle of it. But I have now, and how I wish I could erase the image from my mind. Kakashi, Copy Ninja Kakashi, Kakashi the child prodigy, the cold hearted killer, is standing in his bathroom. Left hand gripping the edge of his sink so tightly I swear it was about to crack any moment. Right arm hangs loose by his side, kunai cutting into the palm of his closed hand. I can see the blood dripping into a pool on the tile floor.

I scan his apartment quickly; sake bottles lay everywhere, spots of blood stain his carpet. Broken glasses and dishes lay scattered. Clothes thrown about, furniture pushed over and broken. Kunais and shurikens imbedded in the walls, creating cracks that twist and flow with each other. It was a complete and utter mess, the apartment of a true psychotic man.

A loud crash brings my attention back to Kakashi. I see him standing there, mirror shattered, right hand frozen in a fist against the wall, kunai stilled grasped tightly. Kurenai hesitantly walks forward, concern etched in her face. Whether it was concern for Kakashi or her own life I can't tell.

"Kakashi?" I whisper, trying to get our friend's attention. But it doesn't seem to be working too well.

We stand in silence for awhile, waiting for a response. Waiting for anything to happen. I'm on edge now, something feels wrong. Kakashi's more fucked up on this day then I thought he would be. I'm nervous, and it takes a lot to get me nervous.

"Kakashi?" Kurenai whispers. She's impatient, she wants to get this over with, get it dealt with, "The Hokage has requested your prese…."

I step to the left, dodging the kunai that Kurenai just managed to dodge at the last second. I can see her shaking. I know now that she never truly thought that Kakashi would even attempt to hurt us. How wrong she was.

Another silence, more time waiting for only God knows what. I've dealt with Kakashi on these days longer then anyone else here. I know what he becomes, I know what happens. But even so I can't shake this feeling of unease. I guess it's natural though, Kakashi has the full capability to kill each and every one of us in this room if he got angry enough. I'm glad I put out my cigarette now; it wouldn't have been pretty if I had come in here with a lit smoke.

I always try to help Kakashi but he always pushes me away. He always insists that he's fine even though you can easily tell he's not if you actually look at him for more then five seconds. Sadly most people don't even pay attention to Kakashi anymore; most people just let him live his life alone. It's too much work to try to be his friend, to try and break through his protective shell and get to know him. But I won't give up, for as long as both of us are alive I'm determined to make sure that Kakashi doesn't fall by the wayside, doesn't give up and take the path his father did.

I will never truly understand Kakashi's pain, I know that. I also know that what he's been doing all these years isn't healthy. I swear that I'm the only one that has noticed the ever present cuts that slowly turn to faint scars on the inside of Kakashi's arms. I swear I'm the only one that notices when he's hung-over or coming down from a drug binge.

I swear I'm the only one that notices him anymore.

I don't know when it became my job to keep Kakashi from falling, I don't know when it became my job to walk behind him and steady him when he stumbles. I don't know what day it happened, what time it was when I came to the realization that if no one was going to help him then I would. I don't care if he refuses every time, if he pushes me away. The fact is I have picked him up; I have steadied him, whether he acknowledges it or not I have done it. I have helped him and I will continue to. Even if it ends up killing me in the end, even if I have to sacrifice part of my sanity and part of my daily life for him. It doesn't matter, I will stick beside him. After all, that's what friends are for.

That's teamwork. And we all know Kakashi would practically marry teamwork if he could.

I watch as his arm falls to the side, blood dripping from the kunai wound and the new cuts from the mirror. I have a feeling that this is going to get very desperate very soon.

"Kakashi, the Hokage said…"

"Get out," he interrupts her, "I don't care what the Hokage says, just leave before I hurt you. I don't need your help!"

I chuckle in my head, that would've sounded a lot more sincere Kakashi if your voice wasn't shaking and you hadn't just purposely injured yourself.

"Kaka…"

"Get out!" he screams, slamming his right fist on the edge of the sink. I watch as the porcelain cracks and his blood flows in and fills the small voids. His anger is growing; it won't be long before he tries to get away. I know I have to stop this now or risk someone getting hurt.

"Kurenai," I whisper, "let me deal with this, okay?"

She nods and I smile at her. I don't need her to get even more nervous because then she'll just fuck up somewhere and make everything worse. She's too emotional sometimes; I don't know why the Hokage even sent her.

I slowly make my way over to my friend. Picking a path around and over the broken dishes, blood stains, sake bottles, and dirty clothes. I get closer and closer.

Bone hits flesh, knuckles on cheek. I take a step back, head snapping to the side. I wasn't paying enough attention and Kakashi took the opportunity to punch me.

Slowly I turn my head, listening to Kakashi's labored breathing. My eyes lock with Kakashi's, it's only then do I realize that Kakashi does not have his forehead protector on. How much Chakra is his Sharingan using? I don't know. But at least it explains why he's taking so much effort to do even the simplest of movements. I keep my eyes locked on my friend's, desperately trying to find some sort of recognition, but I can't. The eyes look alien to me, look so different. It's like he doesn't know what he's doing, like he doesn't have control over himself. Is this the true Kakashi? Is this man standing in front of me with the eyes filled with such guilt, loneliness, and failure the true Kakashi? The one that's hidden from the world? I feel regret overwhelm me. I try so hard, try to help him but I never seem to get through. I guess I don't try hard enough. I will from now on though, I won't let him fall. Not Kakashi, not my friend. There's a saying that the eyes are the windows to the soul.

There's nothing truer.

We stand in silence for a few minutes. I count the seconds that tick by. Waiting for some sort of reaction from my friend, waiting for anything and nothing at the same time. Trying to figure out what I should do, what would be the most beneficial to us all.

I grow tired of the silence; grow tired of the never ending waiting. I make the first move. Say the first words to break this impenetrable silence, "You don't have to do this Kakashi. You don't have to suffer like this. We can help you, if you just listen to us, just let us."

No verbal response, no flicker of understanding from his cold eyes. Nothing but a physical response. He moves forward, fast, quickly, he moves to kill me. I can see his plans in his eyes, his anger and his frustration, his guilt and his loneliness. Quickly I counter, counter before he even attacks. I know I can't fight normally against him, he'll be expecting that.

One thing in my favour is the fact that Kakashi's currently psychotic and I'm not. The ball's in my court, not his, the situation is mine for the grasping. In one swift movement I pull out a kunai from the holster on my leg and side step Kakashi. Now behind him I place the kunai at the front of his neck, praying his reactions and instincts aren't dulled, praying that he stops his forward motion.

He freezes. I let out a small sigh of relief and relax slightly. Dieing was avoided, that's good. So far no one's been hurt; so far the mission has been successful. I hope it stays successful, I hope I don't end up dealing with the guilt of killing my friend.

"You don't fight with kunais," I hear him whisper, anger present in his voice. One small mistake, one miscalculation and one of us is going to end up dead. I have to be more careful, more caring and yet at the same time more stern.

I realize that I don't really know how to deal with Kakashi; I don't really know what pisses him off and what makes him understand. That's going to be a problem.

"I know I can't fight you with my trench knives. The secret to defeating you is to fight out of my comfort range, to fight how you wouldn't suspect. Plus, in your psychotic state you're not the great Copy Ninja Kakashi I know," I reply, immediately cursing myself for the last sentence. It was a mistake to say that and I know that something bad is going to happen, something very bad.

"I'm not psychotic!" he screams, anger overwhelming his voice.

He grabs my wrist and elbows me in the face before I even register what's happening. I feel my grip slacken slightly and I know Kakashi is going to use the moment to his advantage and I'm powerless to stop him. He pushes forward, breaks free from my grasp and stumbles right into Gai. It seems like he didn't even notice the man was there. Briefly I wonder how smart it was to have Gai here, probably the last person Kakashi would want to see him on this day.

It's common knowledge that Kakashi doesn't give a shit about his rivalry with Gai. He knows he's the strongest of the two, everyone knows that. Everyone but Gai it seems.

I watch as Kakashi's eyes widen in shock, I guess he didn't expect to see Gai here. Welcome to how the rest of us feel Kakashi. We've gotten a lot of surprises in the last ten minutes. Kakashi tries to continue his poorly planned escape but Gai grabs his wrists, his wrists that seem much too skinny. He's weaker then I thought. Normally he would easily be able to break free of Gai's hold but today he can't. I step behind him and wrap my arms around my friend's stomach. I wrap my right leg around Kakashi's and Gai does the same to Kakashi's left leg. We both stand there in silence, watching, waiting, waiting for Kakashi to stop his struggling. Waiting for him to realize that he can't get away anymore. He struggles for a long time, he's determined, determined to get away, to break free. He's determined to suffer so we don't have to.

He makes too many sacrifices for others and tries too hard to protect everyone else. He's lost himself over the years, forgotten how to love himself. He can protect everyone else but he doesn't remember how to protect himself. It breaks my heart to watch my friend like this; the grief chokes my throat and makes it hard to breathe. If I stay here much longer I'll lose control of myself, I'll break down and I'll cry. Over the years I've cried more tears for Kakashi then he's probably cried for himself. It's like he doesn't even try anymore, like he's given up on himself.

Well I'll be damned if I give up on him.

"Let go of me," he growls. Growls? Yup, that's the right choice of words, he growled. Hatake Kakashi, the famous Copy Ninja, just growled like an angry dog. I can't believe it but I heard it.

Gai just shakes his head; silence seems to have caught a hold of his throat. Was he shocked at what he saw? Probably. After all, this is his eternal rival, the one man who he has fought for years in ridiculously stupid ways. I think he didn't expect this when he agreed to come along.

"Why are you here!" Kakashi shouts, his voice shaking with anger, "Why did you come along! Did you just want to see me at my weakest? See me when you actually have a chance of beating me!"

Gai just looks down at his rival, doesn't say a word, doesn't make a response. I don't really get what's going on. I haven't been around the two of them when they're together often so I don't know if this is normal or not. Somehow I think it's not normal.

"Gai?" Kakashi whispers, confusion colouring his voice.

Gai still doesn't respond, but why? I've never seen Gai at a loss for words. Actually, I've never seen Gai look so…so sad. It's depressing, as annoying as Gai is you can always count on him to be happy, always count on him to cheer up even the worst situations. But right now it seems like he's lost himself, like he doesn't know what to do. I don't think he really understands what's going on in Kakashi's head; I don't think he can even begin to understand. He's never had to deal with a lot of the pain Kakashi has had to deal with, not even near the same amount of pain. They're two completely different people in every single way, from personalities to fighting techniques to training and teaching styles.

I see Gai getting slightly distracted, lost in his own thoughts. This is bad, very bad. I try to tighten my grip in an attempt to pick up for Gai's sudden slack but I'm too late. I watch helplessly as Kakashi breaks free, punches Gai in the stomach and breaks his left leg free. In a second he twists around and kicks me in the stomach, using the force to push himself away from us and closer to the door, closer to his escape. The whole thing takes no more then three seconds and I stumble backwards before I even register what's happening. How the hell was Kakashi so quick? He's psychotic and he's buzzing, if not completely drunk. It seems his genius instincts are intact even when his sanity isn't.

He spends only a second or two in a crouched position facing us before twisting around, jumping up, and running for the door. I still haven't gotten a hold of my bearings; I'm still too slow for Kakashi.

Thankfully our back-up is actually still here and willing to step in to help. I watch quietly as Kakashi unknowingly runs right into the trap. He freezes, confusion plays across his eyes as he watches Shikaku walk in the apartment and close the door behind him, Kage Shibari no Jutsu in full motion. Kakashi's trapped by the shadow binding technique that he'd often get Shikaku to use on missions back in the day, back when we used to be a team.

"The Hokage requests that you come now, he doesn't wish to make everyone wait any longer," Shikaku reported in his ever bored tone.

"Bastard," Kakashi mutters, "When did you get here?"

"Just now," Shikaku lied in response. Doesn't seem like he wants to get too involved in this, "I wouldn't be here unless the Hokage sent me, I'm not too inclined to get you pissed off and get myself murdered. I like living, its semi-fun, not that you would really know."

Yes, he really doesn't want to get too involved. He's smart to take the back-up position and try to stay unnoticed.

Kakashi makes no verbal response and I can't see his face so I don't have a clue as to what he's thinking. Therefore I don't have a clue on what the next step should be, and that's not good. Not good at all.

"Kurenai, why don't you actually do something?" Shikaku continues. I turn my head to look at Kurenai and she nods, still shaking slightly. She's in shock, complete and utter shock. If Kakashi attacked Kurenai now she'd be done for, she wouldn't be able to react in time. Unfortunately Kurenai doesn't have the genius instincts that Kakashi has been so blessed with. Though if you asked Kakashi he'd probably tell you they're a curse that's forced him into a life he never wanted.

"Go in the bathroom, find a medic kit, and bandage Kakashi's cuts before he bleeds all over his apartment. You do have a medic kit right?"

"Yes," Kakashi responds. He sounds much too cooperative all of the sudden.

Something feels very wrong, some gut instinct is telling me not to believe what Kakashi says, not to fall into whatever trap he was laying down for us.

I listen to the tense silence: the only sound coming from Kurenai as she searches the bathroom for the medic kit. A few minutes later Kurenai walks over to Kakashi and I smile at her as she walks by. I watch as Shikaku's arm moves up and he twists it around so his palm and forearm are facing up, Kakashi's right arm follows suit. Kurenai's hands shake as she cleans the cut from the kunai and bandages it. A couple minutes later she finishes cleaning the small cuts from when he broke his mirror.

She's moves away and I watch as Shikaku lowers his arm, Kakashi's moving along with his. I listen to Kakashi's labored breathing and our nervous breathing as the five of us stand in silence. Waiting for some unknown action to start, waiting for someone to break the silence.

"Kakashi," Kurenai says, her voice portraying her nervousness, "When's the last time you ate anything? You look far too thin."

I turn my head and look quizzically at her. What in the world is she thinking? She doesn't look at me; she keeps her gaze focused on Kakashi, waiting for a response. I response that is taking far longer then it should. Is this some sort of plan that Kurenai has to try and make Kakashi realize that we're worried about him and trying to help him? I don't know but that's what it seems like to me. Whatever it is it doesn't feel right to me, something feels really wrong. I heighten my senses, trying to pick up on anything odd before it actually happens, trying to prevent a disaster from occurring.

"I don't know," Kakashi finally replies, "It's also none of your business. I can take care of myself. I am an adult you know."

I sense Kakashi's anger growing even more. This was going from bad to worse really quickly.

"Kakashi," Shikaku begins, ignoring the previous question like it never even happened, "If I release the Kage Shibari will you try to get away again?"

My head snaps up and I make eye contact with Shikaku, I shake my head, mouthing the word "No." What are you thinking? Don't let Kakashi go; we have to keep him under the Kage Shibari. Shikaku just ignores what I'm trying to convey to him. I feel my own anger growing, I'm the mission leader here, you're supposed to listen to me.

It seems so odd to be the mission leader; back in the day it was always Kakashi who lead the mission. When we were all a team we always listened to Kakashi, he was the smart one with the brilliant plan and the calm mind. Now our situation is reversed and we're the ones with the leveled heads trying to keep Kakashi from making a vital mistake.

"No," he answered, something seems wrong, "You guys win, I can't defeat you all."

I can't believe that Shikaku believes him. It's obvious Kakashi's lying. Is this some sort of plan to show Kakashi we trust him? Because right now is not the perfect situation to show Kakashi we trust him, mainly because we don't. Or rather, we shouldn't be trusting him. Do they not realize that this is not Kakashi? It seems they're all blinded by their trust and that none of them want to even entertain the idea that Kakashi is very close to killing all of us.

I watch regrettingly as Shikaku releases the Kage Shibari and practically dooms us to some sort of deadly disaster. Well, I'll just have to adapt to this situation and try to calm Kakashi down before he does something stupid. Like kill us.

I walk up behind Kakashi and put my right hand on his left shoulder, praying that some non-threatening human contact will make him more comfortable and less murderous, "Come on Kakashi, let's go."

He nods. My gut instinct screams at me not to trust him but I have no choice. If I do anything sudden he's going to kill me, kill us all. He's perilously close to the edge, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I can feel his desperation in the air; I can feel him shaking underneath me. Whether it was from anger, nervousness, relief, or exhaustion I can't tell but I hope it's from exhaustion.

I start to walk past, tying to keep my guard up but I know no matter what I do I can't compare to Kakashi. Even when he's psychotic and has practically drunk his weight in alcohol his genius instincts and talent still surpass mine.

Next thing I know I'm doubled over in pain, clutching my stomach. I hear a crash and when I look up I see a broken window and no Kakashi.

"Fuck!" I yell, glancing down to see a kunai imbedded in my stomach. I grab it and rip it out, biting my lower lip in pain. I drop it on the floor and place my right hand on the wound, trying to stop the bleeding.

"Are you okay?" Kurenai asks, suddenly beside me, concern etched in her face.

"I'm fine," I grunt out, "Gai, go follow Kakashi!" I'm pissed now; this was not how it's supposed to end up, "Get him before he kills someone!"

Gai nods and jumps through the window, following Kakashi.

"See! I told you not to release the Kage Shibari. This is where your fucking trust got us!" I can feel my anger rising. If we don't get control of Kakashi soon someone in this town was going to end up dead. He's too angry and too fucked up to be running around town right now.

"I didn't think…I trusted him," Shikaku stammers, trying to defend himself.

"Didn't I tell you not to trust him? He's not Kakashi! All of you are blinded by your faith and your belief that he won't actually hurt us. Well you guys are wrong! There are team leaders for a reason; you're supposed to listen to them even if you don't agree with them!"

They both just stare at me regretfully. They know what can happen now, if someone got in Kakashi's way they were as good as dead. And that someone is either going to be a civilian or a genin and there's not even any Jounins out there to help them because they're all at that stupid meeting waiting for us.

I sigh in frustration, "It doesn't matter now, let's just go."

"But Asuma…"

"I'm fine Kurenai, I've survived worse and I've fought with worse. Let's just stop Kakashi before he fucks over himself and someone else."

They both nod and follow me to the window. We jump out, landing on the balcony surrounding the apartment and then jump over the railing and land on the grass three stories below; crouched behind Gai.

"I give him a minute before he passes out," I hear Gai say as I land. I clutch my stomach with my right hand, left hand supporting my body on the ground.

All four of us straighten up at the same time and I look closely at Kakashi. His eyes are glazed over and he does look like he's going to pass out at any moment. But I know Kakashi and I know his body, he won't pass out. Just give him a few minutes and he'll be back to his murderous self. I watch as Kakashi's eyes get drawn to the wound I'm clutching. He's right hand balls into a fist and I can see anger flash across his eyes. He's close to becoming uncontrollable, close to killing us all.

He blinks a few times and I see his eyes regain their focus. It's now or never, we have to calm him down now or someone is going to end up dead. He turns around and I notice for the first time that the Hokage is here, thank God. Finally someone Kakashi trusts completely, someone who might be able to talk some sense into my distraught friend's twisted mind.

I look the Hokage in the eyes and nod; I know he's now taken complete control over this mission. We're now his back-up. I focus on his eyes and see an emotion in them that I can't identify, an emotion that twists my stomach into knots. The Third Hokage really does have a soft spot for Kakashi and really does understand the guy more then any of us. If anyone can get control of this situation it's the Hokage.

"I'm sorry Kakashi, I would've left you alone if I could've but we need you at this meeting. Can you please come? And can you please stop trying to murder everyone who's trying to help you?" The Hokage whispers, grief colouring his voice. He knows what this day does to Kakashi better then any of us. He truly understands how much this hurts Kakashi, how painful it must be to be forced to face reality on this day.

Kakashi looks away from the Hokage and my gaze follows his. Together we watch two birds building a nest in a tree. He lets the time pass by, not caring that the rest of us have a schedule, not caring that people are waiting for him. He's never given a damn about punctuality and all that shit, he lives on his own time schedule. It's probably better for us all anyways.

I clutch my stomach harder, I can feel the blood clotting and I know I'll have to go to the hospital and get it stitched up. But not now, after the meeting, after we've dealt with Kakashi.

"Fine Sarutobi," he whispers. I turn my head and focus on Kakashi's silver hair. His head's still turned and his focus is still on the birds, away from everyone else.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs, barely audible.

He drops his gaze to the ground; refusing to look at anyone, cutting himself off from the world. Is he ashamed? Is this another failure he's going to add to his list? I don't know and I'll probably never ask. But maybe I should ask, yes, one day I will. One day soon I will sit him down and make him talk to me, make him get help.

And I wonder, how long until he attacks someone else?

It's not even noon yet, Kakashi's black day isn't even near over.

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_**Author's Note:** Okay, 2nd chapter is finished. Yah! Whose POV should I do next? Kurenai's, Gai's, or Shikaku's? The Hokage's POV will be the last chapter just because I feel that would be the best. I don't care about the order of the next three chapters so you get to decide! _

_Also I'm planning on writing a sequel to this story, because after all, it's only noon. I still have a whole half a day in which to torture Kakashi! I can't pass that up//evil laugh/ MWAHAHA! I think I'll do it in the same format, the POV of each character in a separate chapter. Except I'm planning on only making it two chapters and mainly being Kakashi/Asuma friendship/reflection coolness like that. I've taken a strange likeness to Asuma all of the sudden, he's pretty badass eh? Yah, I'm gonna shut-up now because I'm just rambling. Review, review, review please!_


	3. Maito Gai

**Black Day**

_**Summary: **And I'm still blindly trusting him. And I don't know why. / What does Kakashi's Black Day means to himself and his friends? What's the reason behind it and why does he change so much? _

_**Genre: **Angst_

_**Rating: **T_

_**Author's Notes: **It's the third installment! I can't believe I've made it this far (yah, I have low expectations of myself, and a short attention span)! Before this chapter begins I must _**thank all the reviewers for their support and kind words **_(okay, cliché enough for you?). But in all seriousness, thank you! You make me happy and happy me updates faster, which makes you happy, and happy readers are less likely to leave angry reviews, which in turn makes me happier. So in short reviewers make the world go 'round so keep on reviewing!_

_**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto. I repeat. I **DO** **NOT** own Naruto._

**Please R&R…Thanks!**

**This hasn't been proof-read because I have h/w to do and NHL hockey to watch. I'll proof-read/revise this tomorrow.**

**Oh, and Gai equals Incredible Hard To Write….so he's probably OOC but it's just so hard to write a depressed Gai and have him still in character. So yah, this chapter is probably going to end up being the worst of the story but w/e.**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

"Asuma," I hear Kurenai say as I let my eyes wander over the spectacular view from Kakashi's apartment. It's true that he lives in the not-so-nice-sort-of-drug-infested-bad-part of Konoha but I must admit that he has a spectacular view.

"Yes Kurenai?" Asuma asks; stopping his hand that was just about to knock on my rival's door.

"I think you should put out your cigarette," she informs Asuma, our team leader.

Did we really need a team leader for this? I wouldn't even classify this as a mission. I mean, come on, this is Kakashi. It's not like he's some crazy psychotic man that's out to kill us or anything. He's my eternal rival; this is going to take no time at all. Why do we all have to be here?

Asuma lowers his arm, sends a quizzical look Kurenai's way, and responds with, "And why would I do that?"

"Because Kakashi doesn't like the smell of cigarettes, you know that," she replies, is that nervousness showing through her voice? Why would she be nervous?

"And since when do I care about Kakashi's smell preferences?" Asuma argues.

"Asuma," she says with an exasperated sigh, "Did you forget what day it is? Did you forget why we're here in the first place? I want to get Kakashi and leave and not die in the process. Our chances of not dieing are much better if we don't piss Kakashi off, and smoking will piss him off."

I sigh slightly; she's overreacting, drastically overreacting. Nothing is going to happen, this is Kakashi after all.

"I have to agree with her," Shikaku speaks up from his position leaning on the railing.

I just keep staring at this wonderful view. Did I mention it was wonderful? I don't know why I volunteered to come along, this is pointless. More then pointless it's just insane, even for me. Why didn't someone just phone him? He does have a phone, doesn't he?

"And why do you even care? You're not even going in his apartment, you're completely out of danger you know," Asuma snaps at Shikaku. I don't pay much attention. They're all overreacting. Don't they trust Kakashi?

I'm not naïve; I know what has happened on this day before. I understand what Kakashi has done before. But this is different; this isn't just random people coming to get him. This is four Jounins, four of his friends who he trusts. He's not going to attack us, he's not going to try and kill us.

Besides, I'm winning the rivalry anyways.

"Just because I'm here for back-up doesn't mean I'm not potentially going to get killed. This isn't Kakashi we're facing today its psychotic Kakashi. But you already know that since you saw what he did to Iruka a few years ago. I for one want to take all measures possible to avoid myself ending up like Iruka, and you getting rid of your cigarette is one of those vital measures," Shikaku continues on, I still don't pay much attention.

This really is a beautiful view.

"Fine," I faintly hear Asuma relent and I turn my head to focus my complete attention on what's going on. I watch as Asuma grabs the cigarette out of his mouth and drops it on the floor, putting it out with the heel of his shoe.

"Everybody ready?" he asks and the three of us nod.

He knocks. No response. He knocks louder. Still no response.

"Kakashi!" Asuma calls out. We all know Kakashi's in there; we can all feel his presence. He's not even trying to hide himself.

"Kakashi!" Asuma calls out louder.

"Kakashi!" Kurenai yells, knocking on the door. I just watch, waiting.

What is going to be revealed when we open the door? What is hiding on the other side? I'm curious now; I want to see Kakashi's infamous 'Black Day' myself, in person.

I hear Shikaku sigh behind us and I don't bother to turn around.

However, I watch as Asuma turns around and exclaims, rather angrily, "What?"

"Why don't you just go in?" Shikaku says as if it's the most obvious idea in the world.

Asuma turns back around; looking slightly pissed, and nods at Kurenai. She reaches out and turns the doorknob. The door opens. I don't think any of us expected it to be unlocked. Kakashi can be an idiot sometimes.

Asuma walks in first, after all, he is the team leader. Kurenai enters behind him and I follow behind her, I follow last. Shikaku stays outside; he's the back-up. He's there incase Kakashi tries to escape. Not that Kakashi will, after all, this is Kakashi.

After a couple steps Asuma stops walking and as a result both Kurenai and I are forced to halt also. I wonder what caused Asuma to stop but I don't have much to go on so I just wait for my eyes to adjust to the dark room.

Well this was a shock, a very big shock. And that's an understatement. I did not expect this at all. Never, not once in my whole life, did something like this enter my mind as even being remotely possible, much less happening in the here and now. Right in front of me. Happening. Now. It doesn't make sense.

I don't believe it, I can't believe it, it's not happening. I shake my head, blink my eyes, I'm screaming inside. Here is my eternal rival, Copy Ninja Kakashi, cold hearted killer, child prodigy, standing in his bathroom gripping the edge of his sink. Gripping it so tightly with his left hand that I swear it's going to break any second. His right arm hangs loose by his side but he was clutching a kunai so tightly that it was cutting into his skin, cutting deeply. I can see the blood dripping into a pool on the tile floor. He was staring so intently at his reflection.

He's not wearing his mask. I can see his face; I can see Hatake Kakashi's face. I never thought I would ever be privileged enough, ever graced with the chance, to see what lies beneath that black mask. That black mask that is currently pushed down and crumpled around his neck. I must say that he does look remarkable like his father Hatake Sakumo, Konoha's White Fang. It's uncanny the resemblance. Even I can notice and I barely remember what Sakumo looks like for I was only six years old when 'that incident' happened and I had barely any contact with Kakashi or his father. After all, they were both geniuses and I was not and I'm also younger then Kakashi so there was very little reason for me to even talk to either of them. But all children of Konoha we're taught at a young age to recognize and appreciate the legendary shinobis and Kakashi's father was one of them.

It's unfortunate he took his life. It's rumoured that Kakashi bore witness to the tragic event but Kakashi has never admitted it. Some say he was even the kaishakunin to his father when he committed seppuku but that is purely speculation. I don't believe he was the kaishakunin for he was only eight and whoever the kaishakunin was they got scared and never completed the task. Sakumo was never beheaded when his body was collected.

I hear a scratching noise; it shakes me out of my memories and I look down over my right shoulder. I see Pakkun, Kakashi's summoning dog, peek his head out from underneath an oversized chair. I look quizzically at him and he just stares at me.

"Thank God someone's here," he whispers to me, "Today's been the worst one in years, he's close to snapping. Be careful."

"And you're just hiding underneath a couch? Not doing anything?" I ask; my voice low and my attention turned back to Kakashi.

"Well I enjoy my life, one year he tried to kill me and I learnt my lesson. I stay out of the way now. It's easier," and with that he crawls back underneath the chair and disappears from view.

I blink a couple times, take a few deep breaths, and try to calm myself down. This wasn't that bad, really, it's just Kakashi. We'll just calm him down and get him to this meeting. It won't be a problem at all. Besides, his pride will probably put a stop to this in a second. Once he realizes we're here he'll stop from shame. He has to, that's what Kakashi does.

I turn my focus to the room, letting Asuma and Kurenai deal with Kakashi for the moment.

A loud crash distracts me immediately and I put my room searching on hold as I look up and bring my attention back to Kakashi. I stare at the sight before me, another shocking sight that I never though I'd see. He's just standing there, right hand frozen in a fist against the wall, kunai still grasped tightly. I look as Kurenai walks forward, concern easily visible in her face. I can't tell whether she's concerned for Kakashi, her own life, or a little bit of both.

I turn my attention back to Kakashi's small apartment. I had never been in here and I never thought I ever would. Somehow I have a feeling it's normally a lot cleaner then it is at this particular moment. Sake bottles lay everywhere and spots of blood stain his carpet, some bigger, some smaller. Broken glasses and broken dishes lay scattered, clothes thrown about, and furniture pushed over and broken.

"Kakashi?" Asuma whispers, I'm not really paying attention though. My focus is bent on the apartment.

The kitchen and the living area are one full room, one door leads into the bathroom and the only other door leads to what I can only assume is Kakashi's bedroom. But that's not what I'm distracted by; it's the sheer insane amount of shurikens and kunais imbedded in the walls. Each one created cracks that twist and flow with each other.

This truly is the apartment of a psychotic man.

"Kakashi?" Kurenai whispers impatiently. Hearing his name brings me back to the present and I try to focus on what's going on. But I find it increasingly hard and I don't know why.

Kurenai continues, "The Hokage has requested your prese…."

I step to the right, dodging the kunai that Asuma and Kurenai just dodged. I see Kurenai shaking, she's like me; she never thought that Kakashi would actually try to ever hurt us. How wrong we were.

A silence follows, we wait. Wait for everything and nothing at the same time. Somehow I can't seem to make sense of what's going on in my head. Somehow my thoughts are too jumbled up, too confused to figure out what I should be feeling, what I should be thinking. This doesn't feel right, being here doesn't feel right. I shouldn't be here, I know that now but it's too late to go back, to late to retreat. I have to finish this mission, this mission that I underestimated. But did I really underestimate it? After all, it's just Kakashi.

I watch as his arm falls to his side. I watch as the blood falls to the floor. I watch as another small pool of his too dark blood collects on his too white tile floors.

"Kakashi, the Hokage said…"

"Get out," he interrupts her, "I don't care what the Hokage says, just leave before I hurt you. I don't need your help!"

Too bad that didn't sound sincere Kakashi. It would've if your voice wasn't shaking and you hadn't just purposely injured yourself.

"Kaka…"

"Get out!" he screams, slamming his right fist on the edge of the sink. The porcelain cracks and I watch as his blood flows in and fills the small voids. The red contrasts with the white, it would make a nice picture, the contrasting twisting red lines in a sea of white. Yes, I very nice picture. But it doesn't make a good real life image, no, not good at all.

"Kurenai," I hear Asuma whisper to her, "let me deal with this, okay?"

She nods in response and I watch as Asuma smiles at her, trying to calm her nerves. I realize now that Kurenai is too emotional sometimes, too ready and willing to put her trust in people. But am I not the same? After all, I put my blind trust in Kakashi, I believed that he would never try and hurt us. In fact, I still believe that he will never try and hurt us. But he just did try so why do I still trust him?

I don't have an answer.

Asuma walks towards Kakashi, slowly, quietly, not making any sudden movements. He walks a twisted path over and around the dirty clothes, broken dishes, blood stains, and empty sake bottles. A lot of empty sake bottles. Is that a syringe on the floor? I look closer. Yes, yes that is a syringe.

Kakashi does drugs.

I…I…I can't believe it. It's not right. It doesn't fit. It's not Kakashi. He can't, he doesn't, he couldn't. I…I don't know anymore. My mind isn't working, I can't think. This is too much, far too much. I'm required to report him now unless I ignore this. But I can't ignore this, can I? Would it be better to ignore it or to try and fix it.

Can you even fix Kakashi?

I hear a crack, the unmistakably sound of bone hitting flesh. I focus my attention to my surroundings. In this case it's knuckles hitting cheek. I watch as Asuma staggers back, head snapping to the side, trying to regain his focus. In the end Kakashi is still better than any of us, no matter the situation, no matter the circumstances.

Asuma turns his head, they stare at each other. Time passes by, slowly but yet not slow enough. I look into Kakashi's mismatched eyes and I see far too much sadness, guilt, and loneliness for one man too bear daily. There's a saying that the eyes are the windows to the soul.

There's nothing truer.

After his father died Kakashi became the outcast of our generation, the outcast of the academy. I wonder how much loneliness he's had to suffer with over the years. Does he still suffer?

Sometimes I wonder if all that guilt inside of him tears him apart. Do all those faces mold together to create some sort of psychological monster that destroys him? Does it only come out on this day? Is this the only day of every year that Kakashi faces his pain? Is it really that healthy to do that?

Judging from Kakashi I'd say it's not.

More time passes. I try to stop my thoughts from wandering down the path to childhood. Now was not the time for reminiscing, now was not the time for distraction. Beat yourself up about hurting Kakashi for all those years later, when it's safer. Right now you're a shinobi Maito Gai, a shinobi. Detach your emotions, this isn't Kakashi. Pretend it's someone you don't know; it'll be easier that way.

Yet somehow I just can't do that.

"You don't have to do this Kakashi," Asuma breaks the silence, "You don't have to suffer like this. We can help you, if you just listen to us, just let us."

In a flash, faster then my eyes can follow, Kakashi moves forward but Asuma reacts faster. A second passes, maybe a couple more, and than Kakashi freezes. Asuma's behind him, kunai at the front of his neck.

I sigh with relief; Kakashi still has his reactions and instincts intact, still stops when his life is in danger. I guess old habits die hard and thank God for that. It seems this is under control now; it seems it won't be long until we convince Kakashi to come to this meeting.

"You don't fight with kunais," Kakashi whispers to Asuma. He sounds almost confused, maybe even shocked. Perhaps shocked that Asuma managed to get the best of him?

"I know I can't fight you with my trench knives. The secret to defeating you is to fight out of my comfort range, to fight how you wouldn't suspect. Plus, in your psychotic state you're not the great Copy Ninja Kakashi I know," Asuma replies calmly. I suppress a shudder; he shouldn't have said that last sentence.

"I'm not psychotic!" Kakashi screams, his anger growing with every breath he takes, with every second that passes by.

He snaps, grabs Asuma's wrist and elbows him in the face before any of us even register what's happening. I try to step forward, try to move, try to take action but I'm frozen by shock. I'm frozen by my blind trust that I just can't shake.

What's wrong with me?

Kakashi pushes forward, breaks free from Asuma's grasp and stumbles right into me. I don't think he even noticed I was here. I wish I wasn't here.

Everyone knows that Kakashi doesn't give a shit about this rivalry I've practically forced him into. Secretly I don't care much for it either; it's just that I can't stop it now. I continue it more for Kakashi's sake then for mine. I know Kakashi will always be better than me, at least in the physical sense. But mentally and emotionally I'm leaps and bounds ahead of Kakashi and this rivalry still stands today simply for Kakashi. Simply because I think, no, I know that Kakashi needs something in his life that will always be there. Something he knows he will never lose, never fail. This rivalry is that something, this rivalry is the constant in Kakashi's life: the something that he will never fail at and that will always be there.

He tries to push away from me but I grab his wrists. My hands literally swallow his tiny wrists, has he even eaten anything in the past few weeks? I look him over; really try to look him over without editing his appearance in my head. He's far too skinny for a shinobi, far to skinny for Kakashi. He struggles for a few seconds and I realize that he's much weaker than he normally is, usually he'd be able to easily break free from me but today he can't.

That scares me.

Asuma steps Kakashi and wraps his arms around Kakashi's stomach. He wraps his right leg around Kakashi's and I understand what he's trying to do. He's trying to calm Kakashi down by rendering him completely immobile. So I do the same, I wrap my right leg around Kakashi's left leg and tighten my hold on his wrists. I pray that this works, I pray that we won't have to hurt Kakashi to calm him down.

Kakashi just keeps on struggling, struggling for a very long time. We just stand there, watching and waiting for Kakashi to stop his struggling. Waiting for him to realize that he can't get rid of the both of us.

"Let go of me," he growls, yes, growls like a dog. I can't believe how weak and pathetic he sounds right now. I can't understand what's happening to him?

"Why are you here!" he shouts, "Why did you come along! Did you just want to see me at my weakest? See me when you actually have a chance of beating me!"

I just look at him, I don't respond, I don't know how to respond. How do I make sense of this? This isn't Kakashi; this isn't what I'm us to. The Kakashi I know isn't like this, the Kakashi I know doesn't getting drunk, doesn't do drugs, doesn't hurt himself. I don't get this, I don't understand this.

And I realize that I never understood Kakashi and I never will. He's foreign to me, his different in every single way. We're completely different and there's nothing I can do to help him because he not only doesn't want help but I don't eve understand him enough to offer help. All I can do is report him after this, tell the Hokage he does drugs and get him the help he needs.

"Gai?" he whispers, not bothering to hide the confusion in his voice.

I never thought I would ever be forced to intervene in someone's life, much less Kakashi's. I don't even know if intervening would help him or make him worse. I don't know anything anymore; I don't trust my judgment when it comes to Kakashi anymore. I…I just don't get this. This isn't my forte; I was never trained in this. I never learnt how to deal with this.

Pain, it breaks my train of thought and I blink. Focusing my attention on Kakashi I realize he broke free of my grip, I must have loosened it without realizing it. I try to grab him again but it's too late, he's already in full motion. He breaks his left leg free, using surprise as his advantage, and twists around. He places a well positioned kick in Asuma's stomach and uses the force to push himself back and away from us. The whole thing takes no more then three seconds. I watch as Asuma stumbles backwards, trying to regain his balance. I turn myself around and look at Kakashi, trying to register what just happened, trying to register how his so quick when he's psychotic and completely drunk.

He spends only a second or two in a crouched position, facing us before twisting around, jumping up, and running for the door. I still haven't gotten a hold of my bearings; I'm still too slow for Kakashi. It seems his genius instincts are intact even when his sanity isn't.

I thank God that our back-up is still here and never left. I thank God that our back-up is Shikaku and not some idiot like the rest of us. I watch as Kakashi runs for the door, unknowingly running right into an inescapable trap. He freezes, confusion plays across his eyes as he watches Shikaku walk in the apartment and close the door behind him, Kage Shibari no Jutsu in full motion.

And I wonder if Kakashi has ever copied that Jutsu, if his ever copied the shadow binding technique. And then I wonder why the fuck I'm thinking about such stupid things right now.

"The Hokage requests that you come now, he doesn't wish to make everyone wait any longer," Shikaku reports in his ever bored tone.

"Bastard," Kakashi mutters, "When did you get here?"

"Just now," Shikaku lies in response. I guess he doesn't want to get too involved in this, "I wouldn't be here unless the Hokage sent me, I'm not too inclined to get you pissed off and get myself murdered. I like living, its semi-fun, not that you would really know."

Kakashi makes no verbal response, not surprising, and I can't see his face so I have no idea as to what he's thinking.

I sure hope Asuma knows what to do next because I have absolutely no clue.

"Kurenai, why don't you actually do something?" Shikaku continues. I don't bother to turn and look at Kurenai; I don't bother to see what her response is. I just keep myself focused on Kakashi and try to keep my mind from wandering because a wandering mind can lead to the failure of a mission. And in this case it could quite easily lead to death.

"Go in the bathroom, find a medic kit, and bandage Kakashi's cuts before he bleeds all over his apartment. You do have a medic kit right?"

"Yes," Kakashi responds. Why is he so cooperative all of the sudden? Has he finally realized that he can't win? I guess so; I guess there is still come part of the real Kakashi left, even on his black day.

We stand in strained silence, the only sound coming from Kurenai as she searches the bathroom for the medic kit. A few minutes later I listen to Kurenai as she walks past Asuma, past me, and over to Kakashi. I don't acknowledge that she's there; I don't break my focus from Kakashi.

As Kakashi truly accepted defeat or is he just trying to fool us? I have nothing but my blind trust to tell me whether to believe him or not. And even though every part of my mind is screaming at me not to trust him I still find myself trusting him.

Why?

I watch as Shikaku's arm moves up and he twists it around so his palm and forearm are facing up. Kakashi's right arm copies to movement. Kurenai's hands shakes as she cleans the cuts and bandages them. A couple minutes later she finishes.

And I'm still blindly trusting.

She moves away and Shikaku lowers his arm, Kakashi's moving along with his. We wait, wait for nothing and everything. I listen to Kakashi's labored breathing and my nervous breathing. What happens now? I don't know and I can only pray that Asuma knows.

"Kakashi," Kurenai says, her voice portraying her nervousness and cutting through the silence, "When's the last time you are anything? You look far too thin."

The shock must have shown on my face because Shikaku looks quizzically at me before turning his focus to Kurenai. I look at her, trying to decipher what the meaning behind her question is. Is it some sort of plan to try and make Kakashi realize that we're worried about him and trying to help him? I don't know for sure but it's the only conclusion I can come up with that makes any sense.

I can only hope that it will work.

I don't know," Kakashi finally replies after letting the silence stretch on, "It's also none of your business. I can take care of myself. I am an adult you know."

"Kakashi," Shikaku begins immediately after Kakashi stops talking, "If I release the Kage Shibari will you try to get away again?"

I blink, letting the words soak into my brain. Was this a good idea or a bad idea? The sensible part of my mind, the shinobi part, is screaming at me; trying to tell me it's a horrible idea. But the friend part of my mind, the me part, is telling me it's a good idea, telling me it will show Kakashi we trust him.

And I'm still blindly trusting.

"No," he answers. It sounds genuine to me, "You guys win, I can't defeat you all."

Shikaku release the Kage Shibari and we watch, waiting, listening, prepared for the worse. But it seems Kakashi was genuine and that he isn't going to try and escape. I let a small sigh of relief escape and I breathe a little more calmly, a little more rhythmically.

Asuma walks past me and towards Kakashi. He puts his right hand on his left shoulder, "Come on Kakashi, let's go."

He nods, I relax with relief. We've won, we've calmed him down, we succeeded.

Asuma starts to walk past Kakashi but he doubles over in pain, clutching his stomach. I blink; I hear a crash and look towards the sound. A broken window and no Kakashi.

"Fuck!" Asuma yells and I turn my attention back to him. I can't see what happened but I can see blood dripping on to the carpet. A kunai? Must be.

Are you okay?" Kurenai asks, suddenly beside Asuma, concern etched in her face.

"I'm fine," he grunts out, "Gai, go follow Kakashi!" His voice breaks me out of my trance and I barely hear him when he continues, "Get him before he kills someone!"

I nod and run over the window, jumping through it I land on the balcony surrounding the apartment and I take a look at the amazing view once again. It seems like hours ago when I first admired this view but in reality it couldn't have been even an hour yet. I walk over to the railing, put my right hand on the top of it, and vault over. Landing in a crouched position on the grass three stories below.

"And you really should have your Sharingan covered, it's using too much of your Chakra," I hear the Hokage say as I land.

"I give him a minute before he passes out," I add for no particular reason. Maybe prove to myself that at least we've accomplished something, even if we've failed at everything else today.

Kakashi turns around and stares at me, his eyes unfocused. He does look like he's going to pass out at any moment. But I know Kakashi and I know his body, he won't pass out. Just give him a few minutes and his strength will return. It always does.

I hear Asuma, Kurenai, and Shikaku land behind me. We all straighten up at the same time. I watch as Kakashi's eyes get drawn to what I can only assume is Asuma's wound, but I don't look to see. I'm too afraid to break my focus, too afraid to screw up yet again. I watch as Kakashi's right hand balls into a fist and I can see anger flash across his blurry, unfocused eyes. I think he's close to becoming uncontrollable, close to killing us all.

And yet somehow, for some reason, I'm still blindly trusting him.

He blinks a few times and I see his eyes regain their focus. It's now or never, we have to calm him down or someone is going to end up dead. He turns around, ignoring us for the moment, and focuses on the Hokage.

I sigh in relief, if there's anyone who Kakashi trust completely it's the Hokage. If there's anyone who might be able to talk some sense into Kakashi's twisted and distraught mind it's the Hokage.

"I'm sorry Kakashi, I would've left you alone if I could've but we need you at this meeting. Can you please come? And can you please stop trying to murder everyone who's trying to help you?" The Hokage whispers. I can hear the grief in the old man's voice.

If there's anyone who understands Kakashi it's the Hokage. If there's anyone who can calm Kakashi down it's the Hokage.

Kakashi looks away from the Hokage and my gaze follows his. Together we watch two birds building a nest in a tree. We wait; he lets the time pass by. He doesn't care that the rest of us have schedules, he doesn't care that people are waiting for him. He never cares about punctuality and all that shit, never has. He lives on his own time schedule and he doesn't change it for anyone, not even the Hokage.

And we all understand that.

"Fine Sarutobi," he whispers. I turn my head, breaking my focus off the two birds and bringing it to Kakashi's silver hair. He keeps his head turned; he keeps his focus on the two birds and away from everyone else.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs, barely audible above the whistling wind and chirping birds.

He drops his gaze to the ground; refusing to look at anyone. Effectively cutting himself off from the world. Is he ashamed? Is he scared? Is this another failure he's going to add to his already too long list? I don't know and I'll probably never ask. It's not my place to meddle in his life. It's not my place to try to fix an alcoholic, drug addicted, fucked up, distraught, and amazing shinobi prodigy.

And I'm still blindly trusting him.

And I don't know why.

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**Kaishakunin**: is an appointed second whose duty is to behead one who has committed seppuku at the moment of agony. **_ßßß Thanks wikipedia!_**

**Seppuku**: is a form of Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment. In the world of the warrior it is a deed of bravery that was admirable in a samurai who knew he was defeated, disgraced, or mortally wounded. It meant that he could end his days with his transgressions wiped away and with his reputation not merely intact but actually enhanced. **_ßßß Thanks wikipedia! Again!_**

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_**Author's Note:** 3rd chapter finished, yah! So, whose POV should I do next? Kurenai's or Shikaku's? (Note, Kurenai already has one vote from the last chapter)._

_I'm looking for a beta for the next three chapters of this story and for the sequel. Oh, and I'm planning on making the sequel really, really long, I've already started it and I hope to have it up near the end of the month._


	4. Yuhi Kurenai

**Black Day**

_**Summary: **We feared him because he had no fear, or so it seemed. If only we had known. / What does Kakashi's Black Day mean to himself and his friends? What's the reason behind it and why does he change so much? _

_**Genre: **Angst_

_**Rating: **T_

_**Author's Notes: **It's the fourth chapter! Only two more to do…both of which are not so repressive in their dialogue/timeframe because those two characters aren't as involved so I can add flashbacks and other stuff and not have to follow this god damn strict script that these last chapters have followed. /sighs with relief/_

_Also, I now have a beta but I've gotten impatient (yah I know, I have no patience, so shoot me) so when she finishes beta'ing this chapter I'll update it. But for now this is what you get. Btw, it's the longest chapter so far too, which kind of surprised me but oh well. /shrugs/_

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto._

**Please R&R…Thanks!**

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"Asuma," I say, not knowing how I was going to explain to him what I was feeling. It's hard when you can't figure it out yourself.

"Yes Kurenai?" Asuma asks; freezing his hand in mid air. Effectively stopping his attempt to knock on Kakashi's door.

"I think you should put out your cigarette," I advise, not really knowing why I had such an uneasy feeling about this. After all, it's just Kakashi.

I don't particularly know Kakashi; at least, not as much as Asuma or Gai. Sure, we've gone on missions before and I've seen him at his weakest and most vulnerable before. But was it really is weakest? I've never known but I've always had a feeling it wasn't. And right now I feel uneasy, but not uneasy. It's hard to figure out. It feels like the day, all those years ago, when I watched Kakashi literally break from the inside out from the pressures of ANBU. I have that exact same feeling of unease but also calmness; fear but acceptance. Like I know what's going to happen and I know I can't stop it.

Except I have no idea what's going to happen, and I don't know if I can accept it or stop it, or if I should even try to stop it.

Asuma lowers his arm, looks at me quizzically, and responds with, "And why would I do that?"

"Because Kakashi doesn't like the smell of cigarettes, you know that," I respond, unsuccessfully trying to hide the nervousness in my voice.

"And since when do I care about Kakashi's smell preferences?" Asuma argues.

"Asuma," I sigh, "Did you forget what day it is? Did you forget why we're here in the first place? I want to get Kakashi and leave and not die in the process. Our chances of not dieing are much better if we don't piss Kakashi off, and smoking will piss him off."

Would Kakashi really try and kill us? Somehow I can't see him doing that, no matter what day it is, no matter how broken he is. But yet I can't shake this foreboding feeling. Is it justified? Should I really be worried about my life? Is anyone else here worried about their lives? Does anyone else believe that they might die today?

Often I think I'm going to drive myself crazy with all these questions I always ask myself. Questions I know I'll never find the answer too, no matter how hard I try.

"I have to agree with her," Shikaku speaks up from his position leaning on the railing.

I mentally sigh. At least I'm not the only one worried. That must be a sign that I haven't completely lost my sanity.

"And why do you even care? You're not even going in his apartment, you're completely out of danger you know," Asuma snaps.

"Just because I'm here for back-up doesn't mean I'm not potentially going to get killed. This isn't Kakashi we're facing today its psychotic Kakashi. But you already know that since you saw what he did to Iruka a few years ago. I for one want to take all measures possible to avoid myself ending up like Iruka, and you getting rid of your cigarette is one of those vital measures," Shikaku continues on. His words say he's worried but his tone of voice say he's completely calm. His actions are contradicting himself.

I don't like contradictions. They make this already confusing world even more confusing.

"Fine," Asuma agrees, though somewhat bitterly. I watch as he grabs the cigarette out of his mouth and drops it on the floor, putting it out with the heel of his shoe.

"Everybody ready?" he asks and the three of us nod.

I take a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for whatever I will see on the other side of the door. I'm trying to convince myself that no matter what it is it can't be any worse then that day Kakashi quit ANBU. I'm trying but I'm failing miserable. My instincts are screaming at me, telling me not to go in there. Yelling at me that I'll only regret it: that whatever is on the other side of the door is going to haunt me for a long time.

Asuma knocks. No response. He knocks louder. Still no response.

"Kakashi!" Asuma calls out. It's not like Kakashi's not in there, we can feel his presence; we can feel his chakra. He's not even trying to hide himself, not even trying to pretend his not home.

Maybe he's not trying to hide from us because he doesn't notice we're here. Maybe what ever he's doing in there is destroying him so much that he can't even notice the presence of four Jounins at his door. I mentally chase away my thoughts, trying to focus on the present. Trying to pretend this isn't Kakashi.

It's always easier if it's not someone you know, if it's just a stranger.

"Kakashi!" Asuma calls out louder.

"Kakashi!" I yell, knocking on the door myself.

My unease is growing and yet I'm getting calmer. It doesn't make sense. Not that that's not normal; my emotions often don't make sense. Sometimes I wonder if all this killing, all these missions and this shinobi life, has fucked up my emotions and made them out of synch with my mind. It's possible, I've heard of it happening before. Never seen it personally but I've heard of it happening to former shinobi. It's an odd feeling, not be able to trust your own emotions.

I hear Shikaku sigh behind us and I turn around at the same time as Asuma.

"What?" Asuma exclaims, rather angrily.

"Why don't you just go in?" Shikaku says; sounding bored out of his mind.

Asuma and I turn back around. He looks pissed but he just nods at me and I reach out and turn the doorknob. I push on the door and it actually opens, I didn't think it would open. I thought Kakashi would be one of those people that was paranoid and always kept their door locked.

Asuma walks in ahead of me and I follow closely behind, Gai follows me. Shikaku stays outside, stays as the back-up. He's there incase Kakashi really goes psycho and tries to escape.

After a couple steps Asuma stops walking and I almost run right into him, Gai is also forced to halt. I don't know why Asuma stopped; I can barely make anything out in this dark apartment. Does Kakashi turn any lights on in here?

I've never been in Kakashi's apartment; I don't think many people have. He's an insanely private person, and I mean insanely private. He doesn't tell anyone anything about himself, everything we know is practically from rumours from people who've overhead conversations from the Hokage. And all those rumours are from years ago, back when Kakashi was a kid, back when the Fourth Hokage was still alive.

Those are some old rumours. Yet that's all we have to go on, that's all we know of Kakashi. But so many people still blindly trust him with no information about him. It's odd. He's the biggest asshole, one of the most cold-hearted people in all of Konoha, and still nearly everyone trusts him. And still Konoha will mourn for many days once he dies. It doesn't make sense really. But then again, anything involving Kakashi doesn't really make sense.

After all, how can you trust someone who you don't even see? I've never seen Kakashi's face, few people have; very few.

My eyes finally adjust to the dim light and I'm just…shocked, frozen. The uneasy feeling grows and my calmness is gone. Panic. That's all I can think right now. This is not right; this is not what I'm supposed to see. I don't know Kakashi well enough to be allowed to see this.

Whether this is worse than the day Kakashi quit ANBU, well, I don't know. It sure is close. Very close. But this is different; this isn't cracking under the pressure of a few years this is cracking under the memories of a lifetime.

I stand, frozen in shocked silence. This is Hatake Kakashi, son of Hatake Sakumo, child prodigy, Copy Ninja Kakashi, cold hearted killer, standing in his bathroom. Standing there just staring at his own reflection, staring with so much hatred and disgust: staring at himself. His left hand's gripping the edge of his sink far too tightly to be physically healthy. His right arm hangs loose by his side but he's clutching a kunai so forcefully that it's cutting far into is skin. I watch the blood slowly drip from his closed fist and on to the tile floor.

And the one thing I know I will remember for years to come is not the blood, or his cold eyes, or the way the sun shown through his window and cast odd shadows across his face, but the fact that his mask is not on. Hatake Kakashi's mask is pushed down and crumpled around his neck. His face bare to the world, the face he's hid for so long for reasons unknown to everyone.

His resemblance to his father is disturbing. Is that why he hides his face? Just because he looks like an exact replica of his father? Does he hate his father that much? Does he feel that disgraced by his father that he doesn't want anyone to know who he his? It's a hard idea for me to grasp, a hard idea for me to wrap my head around. I know what his father did, everyone does, it's not exactly a secret in Konoha. It's also never spoken about in the open; it's always whispered in the dark corners of rooms and in the cover of bars. It doesn't make sense really, everyone knows the story, everyone's heard the rumours, and everyone most certainly knows when people are so 'cleverly' talking about it.

I was seven when 'the incident' happened, when Kakashi's father ended his life. Kakashi was only eight, only a year older than me. I wonder how hard it was to grow up with no father, no mother, and feared by all the children? Is that the right word, 'fear'? I don't know, I guess that's how we felt towards him when we were younger. We never saw Kakashi, we just saw the six year old who was not afraid to kill, the child prodigy who was all to willing to die for Konoha. We feared him because he had no fear, or so it seemed.

If only we had known.

I guess the way we treated him when we were all kids is one of the main reasons why he's turned out like this. To this day I'm still amazed that he is willing to forgive and forget, willing to put our hurtful words and scarring glares behind him and to move on. We pretty much destroyed Kakashi's childhood, or whatever chance of a childhood he had. We all know now that he had never willingly chosen the life of a shinobi but that it had been forced upon him. And when his dad died, when he finally had a choice, it was too late for him. He didn't know any other way of life; he didn't have any other purpose. He still doesn't, not really anyways. Everything he does is simply as a shinobi, simply because he's been ordered to. I'm sure he still finds happiness in some of his missions, some of his assignments. In fact, getting assigned a Genin team that actually passed his test is probably the best thing that has happened to Kakashi in many, many years. He's the happiness I've seen him in a long time.

But not today.

I take a couple deep breaths and try to focus my attention on Kakashi, try to calm myself down.

Panic.

It keeps screaming in my head, this one single word that won't go away. It's all I can feel, all I can think, all that I know. There's nothing else right now, this isn't a good situation. This is bad, very bad. It's only going to get worse, I know that.

A loud crash distracts me and I push away my thoughts, attempting to focus on what's happening now. I stare at Kakashi; it was him who made the crashing noise. His right fist, kunai still grasped tightly, is frozen in a fist against the wall. His mirror broken, shattered, pieces had fallen into the sink and on the floor. Blood drips slowly from his fist, dripping on to the sink and snaking its way down, collecting in small pools on the floor.

I take a couple steps forward. I can't control what my body is doing. This is the end, either Kakashi is going to die or one of us is.

I shake my head. Why am I being so negative? What's wrong with me? Is Kakashi's depression affecting me too? I don't know but I do know I can't let myself get negative. I have to stay positive if I want this to end positive.

"Kakashi?" Asuma whispers beside me, trying to get our friend's attention but it doesn't seem to be working.

We stand in silence. I take the opportunity to study my surrounds, to see if there's anything in this apartment that could potentially be a danger.

What I see isn't dangerous but simply disturbing. There are sake bottles everywhere, empty sake bottles; evidence of a severe alcohol binge. Spots of blood stain the carpet, surrounded by broken dishes and shattered glasses. Clothes are just strewn about and the furniture is broken and completely displaced. Kunais and shurikens are imbedded all over the walls, tons of them, more than I care to count at this moment. Each one created cracks that twist and intertwine with each other.

But even all of that isn't the most disturbing part. No, the most disturbing part is by far the empty syringes and the faint smell of marijuana lingering in the air. In all my years of knowing Kakashi I had never thought him a drug user. Sure, he was a slightly above-average alcohol consumer, sometimes bordering on alcoholism, but never a drug user. That's banned as a shinobi, especially a Jounin. It's grounds for an immediate and permanent ban.

But what do I do now? I'm required to report him but if I do his shinobi life is over and if his shinobi life his over then that's practically his whole life. He'd most likely follow his father's path if that happened. But if I don't report him and he gets caught then I'm liable for a suspension, even a ban. My job or his life?

Well, for one of the few times in my life I have asked myself a question I can easily answer. His life wins over my job, no question. But if I don't report him he won't get help and if he doesn't get help he'll just end up dieing anyways.

So this isn't a question of my job vs. his life, it's a question of how Kakashi ends up dieing: whether by an overdose or by suicide. And the fact is I can't easily answer that question, no one can.

"Kakashi?" I whisper impatiently, but I don't know why.

I feel strangely calm even though I shouldn't. Not with what I've just learnt, not with the current situation. I can't be calm; if I'm calm I won't think of all the possible scenarios that could occur.

Panic.

Fuck, not again. Calm, don't panic. Calm down! But don't calm down too much, that's just as bad as panicking, "The Hokage has requested your prese…."

I throw myself to the right, stumbling slightly, my reaction based solely on instincts. I didn't even see the kunai; I didn't even see Kakashi move his arm. I thank God for blessing me with instincts that are just a tiny bit above-average.

My body starts shaking on its own. I never thought, ever, that he would do this. I never thought Kakashi would actually try to kill me. Never. I can't believe it, I just can't.

It doesn't make sense.

I watch as his arm falls to his side. I watch as the blood drips to the floor, collecting in yet another pool. I don't really know what I'm doing anymore; I don't really know what I should think anymore. Nothing makes sense in this jumbled up and twisted around brain of mine. Nothing. I just can't grasp what's happening, can't grasp what I'm doing and what I should be doing. I can't grab a hold of reality, not right now.

In all these years I have never really become friends with Kakashi, I don't even think it's possible for anyone to become 'friends' with Kakashi. Some have become better acquaintances than others; Asuma is one who has connected more with Kakashi than I have. And even though I might not know Kakashi I still know of him and I still have a basic understanding for human emotions and human actions. I have always considered myself a good judge of character, a good predictor of what some people will do, how some people will act.

But Kakashi has shattered that idea I had of myself. I never thought he would do this, I never thought he would ever attempt to hurt me, no matter his mind set. I was wrong, very, very wrong. And yet I still find myself trusting this man: this man that has tried so hard throughout his whole life to stay nameless and faceless to the world.

Because, after all, if you're nameless and you're faceless people won't get attached to you and you won't fail them. In the end I think that's the main thought that runs through Kakashi's head, the main idea he bases his way of life on.

"Kakashi," I continue, one last attempt to get this over with, "the Hokage said…"

"Get out," he angrily interrupts me, "I don't care what the Hokage says, just leave before I hurt you. I don't need your help!"

Too bad that didn't sound sincere Kakashi. It would've if your voice wasn't shaking and you hadn't just purposely injured yourself.

"Kaka…"

"Get out!" he screams, slamming his right fist on the edge of the sink. The porcelain cracks and I watch as his blood flows in and fills the small voids. The red contrasts with the white, it looks inhuman; it is inhuman.

"Kurenai," I hear Asuma whisper to me, "let me deal with this, okay?"

I nod in response and Asuma smiles at me, trying to help me calm my nerves. He knows me too well; he knows that I'm freaked out of my mind and about to have a Panic Attack. I rarely have Panic Attacks, I haven't had one for years, but I'm susceptible to them. I'm more likely to get them then others. It's just one of those things. Kakashi has always told me I let my emotions run wild and that's why, maybe it is. But I'm not like Kakashi; I can't cut myself off from my emotions. I can't become a cold-hearted murderer in a blink of an eye. I can't become a robot, a shinobi tool, in a second. But Kakashi can, and that's why he's better than me, that's why he's more reliable me, that's why we depend more on Kakashi than on me.

And I'm fine with that. I wouldn't be able to take the extra pressure anyways. And by the looks of it, Kakashi can't either.

I watch Asuma as he walks towards Kakashi, slowly, quietly, not making any sudden movements. He walks a twisted path over and around the dirty clothes, broken dishes, blood stains, and empty sake bottles.

I hear a crack, the unmistakable sound of bone hitting flesh. I blink, I was watching the whole time but I guess not quite as closely I should've been. Knuckles strike cheek and I watch, frozen in shock, as Asuma staggers back, head snapping to the side. In the end Kakashi is still better than all of us, no matter what.

Asuma turns his head, they stare at each other. Time keeps on passing by, not caring about what's happening in its ever moving grip. I stare into Kakashi's mismatched eyes, really stare into them, and I see far too much guilt, loneliness, sadness, and confusion for one man to deal with every single day. There's a saying that the eyes are the windows to the soul.

There's nothing truer.

Sometimes, in the grips of boredom, I often wonder is all that guilt Kakashi holds inside of him tears him apart. Does he remember every single person he's killed? Every single person he's failed? I think he does, or at least the majority of them. He has a remarkable memory, one of those 'gifts' that Genius' are often blessed with.

I don't really think it's healthy for Kakashi to deal with his pain like this. Why does he suffer alone? Why does he refuse help? Not just from us but from professionals? There's nothing wrong with talking to a psychiatrist, nothing shameful about it. Most shinobi often end up talking to a psychiatrist, I know I have. Almost all ANBUs end up turning to psychiatrists, and the ones that don't end up killing themselves.

I count the seconds as they tick on by in my head. We wait for nothing and everything, for action and no action. I try to stop my mind from reminiscing, from wandering down the path of childhood memories. Now is not the time, now is not the time to relive those painful years full of shame because of the way I acted. The way I acted towards a certain silver-haired Chuunin. Even if he's a genius, even if he was a child prodigy there was still only one of him and a heck of a lot more of us. And no matter how great he was there was still safety in numbers, still advantages in numbers. We had numbers on our side, Kakashi didn't.

In the end I think that's what broke him, the fact he had no one on his side. No one. I can only begin to imagine how hard that must be, to have absolutely no one on your side. Absolutely no one to help you, teach you, and to just talk to. It must've been painful, it must still be painful. He never learnt how to open up, and it's killing him now.

"You don't have to do this Kakashi," Asuma breaks the silence, "You don't have to suffer like this. We can help you, if you just listen to us, just let us."

In a flash, faster then my eyes can follow, Kakashi moves forward but Asuma reacts faster. A second passes, maybe a couple more, and than Kakashi freezes. Asuma's behind him, kunai at the front of his neck.

I sigh with relief; Kakashi still has his instincts intact, still stops when his life is in danger. I guess old habits die hard and thank God for that. Even if he may want to die his instincts won't let, at least not right now.

"You don't fight with kunais," Kakashi whispers to Asuma. He sounds almost confused, maybe even shocked. Perhaps shocked that Asuma managed to get the best of him?

"I know I can't fight you with my trench knives. The secret to defeating you is to fight out of my comfort range, to fight how you wouldn't suspect. Plus, in your psychotic state you're not the great Copy Ninja Kakashi I know," Asuma replies calmly. I shudder; he shouldn't have said that last sentence.

Warning bells go off in my head. I hold my breath, waiting for the unknown to happen.

"I'm not psychotic!" Kakashi screams, his anger growing with every breath he takes, with every second that passes by.

He snaps, completely snaps. He grabs Asuma's wrist and elbows him in the face before I can even begin to register what's happening. I try to step forward, try to move, try to help, to take action but I'm frozen by shock. I'm frozen by fear.

What's wrong with me? What can of shinobi am I?

Kakashi pushes forward, breaks free from Asuma's grasp and stumbles right into Gai. I don't think he even noticed Gai was there.

I watch as Kakashi's eyes widen in shock but he quickly gets his emotions under control, a testimony to his true shinobi life, and tries to continue his poorly planned escape. But Gai grabs his wrists; wrists that seem much too skinny.

When was the last time Kakashi ate anything? Does he completely disregard his health around the time of his 'Black Day'? That's not healthy. Now Kakashi wasn't just drunk, drugged up, and psychotic, but he's also mal-nourished. This is not good; this is a recipe for death: a deadly concoction of physical, mental, and emotional poison.

Normally Kakashi would easily be able to break free from Gai but today he can't, and that scares me. It scares me a lot.

Asuma steps behind Gai and wraps his arms around Kakashi's stomach; he wraps his right leg around Kakashi's. Gai sees the intelligence of that and wraps his right leg around Kakashi's left. They stand in silence, watching and waiting for Kakashi to stop his useless struggling.

They seem to have this under control but my mind his still screaming at me. Still yelling at me to panic and to not trust what's happening and to be prepared for the unexpected and the seemingly impossible to happen.

"Let go of me," he growls, yes, growls like a dog. I can't believe how pathetic he sounds right now. This isn't Kakashi; this is some sort of alien being that's taken over Kakashi. He would never allow himself to sound like this in front of this, he's too proud to.

"Why are you here!" he shouts at Gai, "Why did you come along! Did you just want to see me at my weakest? See me when you actually have a chance of beating me!"

Gai just looks at him, shaking his head. He doesn't respond, I don't think he knows how to respond. I don't think he understands what's going on in Kakashi's head. He's like me, he's never really seen Kakashi this broken. In fact, now that I think about it, he wasn't there the day Kakashi quit ANBU, the day Kakashi broke down. At least I was a little more prepared; I'd seen this happen to a certain extent before. Gai never had that preparation. Not that it really matters because this is so much worse than before and it's not like I'm handling this any better then Gai. In fact, Gai is probably handling it better then I am. But then again, anyone would probably handle this better then I am.

I always knew I would never understand Kakashi, I always knew he was far too different then me. Grew up in such a different way then I did. I've always known I would never be able to even remotely begin to understand what he deals with everyday. But even with this knowledge I've never expected this, never thought I would have to deal with this.

"Gai?" he whispers, not bothering to hide the confusion in his voice at Gai's lack of response.

This is our forte, Gai and I; we were never trained in how to deal with situations like this. We were never taught about psychotic break downs and how to catch a falling acquaintance, a falling friend.

I blink; Kakashi's broken free and crouched on the floor. He moved to fast for me to even attempt to follow him. That's either a reflection on Kakashi's amazing skill or my lack of focus. It's probably a combination of both.

He spends only a second or two in a crouched position, facing us before twisting around, jumping up, and running for the door. I still have no idea what just happened or how he had gotten free of both Gai and Asuma's grasp but it doesn't really matter now.

I'm screaming in my head to move, to take action, to do something, anything! But my body's frozen and it won't respond to my brain, it just won't. I try to take a few deep breaths to calm myself but I can't. My breath comes in short gasps and I can feel my chest tightening. This is not good, this is the beginning of Panic Attack. Shit.

I watch helplessly as Kakashi runs for the door, running to his escape. He freezes, confusion plays across his eyes as he watches Shikaku walk in the apartment and close the door behind him, Kage Shibari no Jutsu in full motion. I sigh with relief and my chest loosens just a little bit. I'd forgotten about Shikaku but I thank God that he's still here.

"The Hokage requests that you come now, he doesn't wish to make everyone wait any longer," Shikaku reports in his ever bored tone.

"Bastard," Kakashi mutters, "When did you get here?"

"Just now," Shikaku lies in response, "I wouldn't be here unless the Hokage sent me, I'm not too inclined to get you pissed off and get myself murdered. I like living, its semi-fun, not that you would really know."

Kakashi makes no verbal response, which doesn't surprise me, and since I can't see his face I have no clue as to what he's thinking.

I sure hope either Asuma, Gai, or Shikaku know what to do next because I have absolutely no fucking idea.

"Kurenai, why don't you actually do something?" Shikaku continues. I blink, turning my head to focus completely on Shikaku and I nod. I know I've done absolutely nothing except wallow in my own thoughts. I might as well do something useful, no matter how small.

"Go in the bathroom, find a medic kit, and bandage Kakashi's cuts before he bleeds all over his apartment. You do have a medic kit right?"

"Yes," Kakashi responds.

I turn around, willing my body to move. I walk to the bathroom, trying not to step on any clothes, broken glass, used syringes, or any of the other shit on the floor. Once in the bathroom I freeze, there was so much blood. The sun shines directly into the bathroom, the shadows move faintly along the wall. I scan the room, finding a wall cabinet on the wall to my left, the wall opposite the now shattered mirror. I walk over, slowly, carefully, trying not to step on any blood. Deep breathes, don't panic, stay calm. Deep breaths. Breath.

I open up the cabinet and grab the medical kit. I retrace my footsteps, again trying not to step on anything but clean floor; careful to avoid all syringes. I walk past Asuma and I see him smile at me, trying to calm me down, again. I walk past Gai, who's just staring at Shikaku. Finally I come to Kakashi and I hesitantly open the small medic kit. Shikaku raises his arm and turns it so that forearm and palm are facing up, Kakashi's right arm follows. I push up his sleeve, trying to be as careful as I can, trying to stay as calm as I can.

I see scars all up his arm, faint scars, not-so-faint scars, just healing cuts, and new cuts that haven't yet even begun to heal. They crisscross across his arm, up to his elbow, some horizontal, some vertical, some diagonal, some long, some short, some deep, some shallow. My mind freezes and I just stare, my body moves on its own, goes through the familiar cleaning and bandaging steps without needing my mind to tell it. My focus is completely on these scares.

It's so much worse then I thought, so much worse.

I'm not equipped to deal with this, no one in this room is. This needs to be dealt with by professionals and soon, before it's too late. But can you fix Kakashi?

I really don't think so.

My body finishes and moves away on its own. I break my eye focus from his arm and stare at the floor. Are the same cuts mirrored on his other arm? I don't know but I have a feeling that they are, I have a feeling they're worse on his other arm.

"Kakashi," I say. I know my voice is portraying my nervousness but I don't care, "When's the last time you are anything? You look far too thin."

I don't know why I asked that, I don't know why but it doesn't matter. I don't know anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew about Kakashi has been shattered tonight, my trust broken.

Yet I would still trust Kakashi with my life.

But that doesn't really surprise me because Kakashi has always valued other's life more than his own, I just didn't know he hated himself that much. I didn't know. And even though I know now I still can't do a fucking thing.

"I don't know," Kakashi finally replies after letting the silence stretch on, "It's also none of your business. I can take care of myself. I am an adult you know."

"Kakashi," Shikaku begins immediately after Kakashi stops talking. Acting as if what I asked never even happened, "If I release the Kage Shibari will you try to get away again?"

I don't know what Shikaku is thinking but I trust him, I trust that he has a plan. Because I don't, I don't think any of us do.

"No," he answers, "You guys win, I can't defeat you all."

It sound genuine to me, but sounding genuine and actually being genuine are two completely things that are rarely connected in the shinobi world. So whether he's telling the truth or not is beyond me, I don't particularly care anymore. I just want to get out of here, I just want to leave and do something quiet. I need time to organize my thoughts and figure out what I should do.

I don't even really know Kakashi so why am I worrying so much about him? He's an adult; he can take care of himself.

A voice in the back of my head whispers to me, telling me he can't take care of himself.

We need to help him because he can't help himself anymore. He can't deal with this pain alone and I don't care how much he struggles tomorrow I'm going to get him help. But I have to be careful, I can't let the Hokage find out because else he'll get stripped of his shinobi titled and then it will be all over. Without his shinobi title Kakashi is nothing, he'd have nothing to live for, he'd just follow his father's footsteps.

Shikaku release the Kage Shibari and we all watch, waiting, listening, prepared for the worse. But it seems Kakashi was indeed genuine and that he isn't going to try and escape. I let a small sigh of relief escape and I breathe a little more calmly, a little more rhythmically. And just maybe I won't have a Panic Attack, just maybe.

Asuma walks past Gai, past me, and towards Kakashi. He puts his right hand on his left shoulder, "Come on Kakashi, let's go."

He nods, I relax with relief. We've won, we've calmed him down, we succeeded.

Asuma starts to walk past Kakashi but he doubles over in pain, clutching his stomach. I blink; I hear a crash and look towards the sound. A broken window and no Kakashi; again Kakashi is faster then I can follow.

"Fuck!" Asuma yells and I turn my attention back to him. I can't see what happened but I can see blood dripping on to the carpet. A kunai? I run over to his side and kneel down beside him. Yes, it's a kunai.

"Are you okay?" I ask, knowing concern is etched in my face.

"I'm fine," he grunts out, "Gai, go follow Kakashi! Get him before he kills someone!"

Gai nods and jumps through the window, following Kakashi. Can he deal with him alone? I don't think so but there's nothing we can do about it right now.

"See! I told you not to release the Kage Shibari. This is where your fucking trust got us!" Asuma yells, his anger growing with every word.

"I didn't think….I trusted him," Shikaku stammers, trying to defend himself but failing miserable.

"Didn't I tell you not to trust him? He's not Kakashi! All of you are blinded by your faith and your beliefs that he won't actually hurt us. Well you guys are wrong! There are team leaders for a reason; you're supposed to listen to them even if you don't agree with them," Asuma continues yelling.

I know he's right, so very right. We've all been blinded by our trust. And now we've fucked up, really fucked up.

I hear Asuma sigh in frustration, "It doesn't matter now, let's just go."

"But Asuma…" I start.

"I'm fine Kurenai," he interrupts me, "I've survived worse and I've fought with worse. Let's just stop Kakashi before he fucks over himself and someone else."

I nod and follow Asuma to the window. We jump out, landing on the balcony surrounding the apartment and then jump over the railing and land on the grass there stories below; crouched behind Gai.

"I give him a minute before he passes out," I faintly hear Gai say as I land.

All four of us straighten up at the same time and I look closely at Kakashi. His eyes are glazed over and he really does look like he's going to pass out. But, he is Kakashi and Kakashi doesn't go down without a fight. In a few moments he'll be back to his psychotic self.

He blinks a few times and I see his eyes regain their focus. It's now or never, we have to calm him down soon or someone is going to end up dead. He turns around and I notice that the Hokage is here, how did I miss that? I shake my head and give myself a mental kick in the head for all the shit I've missed lately.

At least the Hokage is here. If there's anyone who might be able to talk some sense into Kakashi's fucked up mind it's the Hokage.

"I'm sorry Kakashi, I would've left you alone if I could've but we need you at this meeting. Can you please come? And can you please stop trying to murder everyone who's trying to help you?" The Hokage whispers. I can hear the sadness and the grief in the old man's voice.

If there's anyone who can deal with Kakashi effectively it's the Hokage, he's the only one.

Kakashi looks away from the Hokage and my gaze follows his. Together we watch two birds building a nest in a tree. We wait; he lets the time pass by. He doesn't care that people are waiting for him, he doesn't care how much time passes be. He never cares about being on time and schedules, never has. He lives on his own time schedule and he rarely changes it, only for missions, never any other time.

And we all understand that.

"Fine Sarutobi," he whispers. I turn my head, focusing on Kakashi's silver hair. He keeps his head turned; keeps his focus on the two birds and keeps himself disconnected from everyone else.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs, barely audible above the singing birds and whistling wind.

He drops his gaze to the ground; refusing to look at anyone. Completely cutting himself off from the world. Is he afraid? Is he ashamed? Does he feel like he's disgraced someone? Is this another failure he's going to add to his already too long list? I don't know and I know I'll never ask. It's not my place to meddle in his life. It's not my place to try to fix an alcoholic, drug addicted, fucked up, distraught, and amazing shinobi prodigy.

But yet it is my place.

I'm so confused, I don't know what to do, I don't understand him anymore.

Did I ever understand Kakashi?

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_**Author's Notes: **So, the next chapter will be Shikaku and then the last and final chapter will be Sarutobi (then the sequel!). Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far and who has voted on the POVs. The next two chapters will have a few flashbacks, though I've never written flashbacks so um... any advice on how to incorporate them into the story without ruining the flow? Also, one of the flashbacks, probably in Sarutobi's chapter will be the day Kurenai's always referring back to, the day Kakashi quit ANBU. Just wanted to tell you guys that because yah…don't know why, just thought you'd like to know._


	5. Nara Shikaku

**Black Day**

_**Summary: **After all these years, after everything I've seen, I still know no more about Kakashi than I did eighteen years ago. / What does Kakashi's Black Day means to himself and his friends? What's the reason behind it and why does he change so much?_

_**Genre: **Angst_

_**Rating: **T_

_**Author's Notes: **Only one more chapter left! Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter…I was busy, really, I was. This is also gets the title of longest chapter so far. Though I have a feeling that the next chapter is going to be long…very long. And as a result the next chapter may not be up for two weeks or so…sorry!_

_**Disclaimer: **I have never owned Naruto, I never will. Can I stop with the stupid disclaimers yet?_

**Please R&R…Thanks!**

**I want to thank my amazing beta reader Newtype Omega. Seriously, he is absolutely brilliant.**

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"Asuma," I hear Kurenai say as I watch the three younger Jounins from my position leaning against the railing.

"Yes Kurenai," Asuma asks, pausing his hand in mid air; stopping his attempt to knock on Kakashi's door.

"I think you should put out your cigarette," she advises him, and I silently agree with her logic. Kurenai might be young but she does have a brain in that head of hers, even if she does let her emotions run wild too much.

I've known Kakashi the longest here, I don't know him the best but I've known him the longest. I'm older than everyone else here; I saw the way Kakashi grew-up from a different perspective. I saw a lot more than I probably should have.

Asuma lowers his arm, looks quizzically at Kurenai, and responds with, "And why would I do that?"

"Because Kakashi doesn't like the smell of cigarettes, you know that," she nervously replies. She's not used to standing up to the leader in regards to something she knows barely anything about. Kurenai knows that Asuma understands Kakashi better than her, she knows she really has no idea what she's talking about, yet she's still stating her point. She's still standing up for what she believes in, even if it might, and most likely, is wrong.

I must admit, you've got to admire someone like that.

"And since when do I care about Kakashi's smell preferences?" Asuma retorts angrily.

"Asuma," she argues with a tired sigh, "Did you forget why we're here in the first place? I want to get Kakashi and leave and not die in the process. Our chances of not dying are much better if we don't piss Kakashi off, and smoking will piss him off."

I have to admit, she's very persuasive. But then, many women are, it just seems to be one of those talents that only females are born with. I've met few men with persuasiveness that can match a woman's.

"I have to agree with her," I speak up. I know that adding my opinion, no matter how small it is, is what's going to get Asuma to agree with Kurenai. Asuma isn't good with pressure from two or more people, never has been. One person he can deal with, give him one person and he'll argue his side for hours on end. But as soon as it becomes two people he'll back down and succumb to the pressure. Well, not always, but most of the time.

Asuma and Kurenai turn to face me, Asuma rolls his eyes and snaps at me, "And why do you even care? You're not even going in his apartment, you're completely out of danger you know."

I mentally sigh; does he not understand how dangerous this is? "Just because I'm here for back-up doesn't mean I'm not potentially going to get killed. This isn't Kakashi we're facing today; its psychotic Kakashi. But you already know that since you saw what he did to Iruka a few years ago. I for one want to take all measures possible to avoid myself ending up like Iruka, and you getting rid of your cigarette is one of those vital measures."

Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating my opinion a little bit but sometimes exaggeration is needed to get other people to understand. Is the situation as bad as I just said? I don't particularly think so.

But a voice in the back of my head whispers a warning, repeating the words of the Hokage from yesterday. He told me not to underestimate the situation.

He told me a lot of other interesting things too.

"Fine," Asuma bitterly relents. I watch as he grabs the cigarette out of his mouth and drops it on the floor, putting it out with the heel of his shoe.

"Everybody ready?" he asks and the three of us nod.

He knocks. No response. He knocks louder. Still no response.

"Kakashi!" Asuma calls out, "Kakashi!"

"Kakashi!" Kurenai yells, knocking on the door herself.

I sigh, how stupid are they? Do they really think Kakashi's just going to calmly walk over to the door and open it up today, on his Black Day?

Asuma turns around; looking very frustrated, and angrily exclaims, "What?"

"Why don't you just go in?" I reply, letting my voice sound calm and bored, even though in reality I'm far from bored and far from calm.

Asuma turns around and nods at Kurenai, but I don't miss his pissed off stare directed at me. Kurenai reaches out and turns the doorknob. The door opens and everyone looks slightly surprised. I just mentally sigh. I knew the door was going to be open; Kakashi trusts that no one's going to try to get into his apartment. He relies too much on the fact that he scares the shit out of most people.

The three of them walk inside the apartment and I settle myself more comfortably against the railing. I'm glad I don't have to go in there, I'm glad I don't have to see the details of this day.

I wait, letting my mind wander back to yesterday; when I had that eventful and extremely interesting meeting with the Hokage. Yes, that was quite the meeting.

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_**/Flashback/**_

_I quietly walk into the Hokage's office, trying my best to figure out why I am here. As far as I know I haven't gone on any missions that I need to report on, I haven't screwed up on any missions, nothing drastic has happened in the past few days to warrant a meeting, and Shikamaru hasn't done anything idiotic, has he?_

"_Shikaku," the Hokage greets me and I bow in the expected response._

"_Please, take a seat," he continues._

_I sit down in the offered seat and wait, in silence, for the Hokage to explain why he asked me to come here. Finally, after what seems like hours, the Hokage puts down his pen, folds his hands over the papers on his desk, and looks up to make eye contact with me._

"_Shikaku," the Hokage begins with a small sigh, "As I'm sure you know tomorrow marks eighteen years since Hatake Sakumo's death. Which means tomorrow is Kakashi's infamous Black Day. And, as I'm also sure you know, I have always preferred to give Kakashi the day off for I'd rather not have any deaths on that day; especially deaths that can easily be avoided."_

_I nod, and respond with, "Yes, I'm aware. But I'm also aware that you didn't ask me to come here today just to tell me that. What exactly are you meaning to tell me?"_

_The Hokage sighs, once again, only this sigh is much heavier and much sadder._

"_I'm sure that you've noticed over the last few months that Kakashi has not been taking care of himself properly and that he's fading at quite an alarming rate."_

_I nod, again, "Yes, I've noticed. But I'm not about to interfere with his life, he wouldn't let me anyway."_

"_I know Shikaku. But I also know that you were the first person to see Kakashi on that day, eighteen years ago, and the only person to see exactly what the scene was. And I also know that you are not particularly close to Kakashi, which is why I've decided to tell you the full details of what my reasoning behind what I'm having you, Asuma, Gai, and Kurenai do tomorrow."_

"_What exactly are you having us do?"_

"_You do remember that tomorrow there is a Jounin meeting, correct?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Well I've decided that Kakashi is going to be at this meeting, and I've decided that you, Asuma, Gai, and Kurenai are going to be designated with the mission of retrieving Kakashi tomorrow and bringing him to the meeting. And Asuma will be your team leader."_

"_A mission? The mission is to bring Kakashi to the meeting? But why? You just said you'd rather leave Kakashi alone on his Black Day, so why are you trying to force him to come to the meeting? He doesn't have to be there, someone can just fill him in on what was talked about the next day," I respond, trying to hide the growing unease and panic building up inside of me._

"_Shikaku, if someone doesn't do something soon Kakashi is going to die. Whether it's from starvation, a drug overdose, or suicide, he is going to die. I made the mistake, years ago, of letting Sakumo kill himself by believing that it was not my place to interfere with another's pain. I've grown older, I've grown wiser, and I've learned over the years that it is very much my business to help others if I can. And I know I can help Kakashi, and I know that you, along with the other three, can help me help him."_

"_I sill don't understand how dragging Kakashi out of his house and making him face reality on his Black Day is going to help him. If anything it will only make this worse," I argue._

_The Hokage rubs the back of his neck in an uncharacteristic sign of exhaustion, "I have spoken with many professionals over the last few weeks on this matter and they have all unanimously told me that the best way to deal with Kakashi is to force him over the edge."_

"_Wait," I respond in shock, "You're telling me that you think the best way to help Kakashi is to force him past his coping abilities and force him to hit rock bottom. That doesn't even make sense."_

"_That's what I first thought. But I realized that it does make sense. Some people don't believe they need help until they reach rock bottom. Kakashi needs help now, but since he hasn't been pushed over the line yet he won't accept help. He still believes he can cope even though it's obvious that he can't. When he gets pushed over the edge he will finally realize that he needs help. And the sooner he gets help the more likely he'll be able to be helped. So by forcing him to hit rock bottom, we'll actually be helping him."_

"_You know, in some twisted way that actually sort of makes sense," I lean back into the chair and cross my arms, thinking about what the Hokage just said, " The only problem with this plan of yours is that pushing Kakashi over the edge is dangerous for all of Konoha. I'm sure you haven't forgotten what he did to Iruka before; he might do that to someone else. By pushing him over the edge you're putting every civilian, Genin, Chunin, and all but a few Jounin within Konoha in danger."_

"_I know that Shikaku. I also know that Kakashi is going to cross that line from sanity to insanity whether we push him or not. And if we push him then we can be prepared and we can protect this village because we will know when it's going to happen. If we don't push him and let this follow its own path then we're going to get blindsided and it will be even more dangerous and possibly even more deadly."_

"_I guess that makes sense, depends on how you look at the situation. But why are you telling me this? Why not tell Asuma? He is going to be the team leader and he's the closest thing to a friend that Kakashi has."_

"_Because if I told either of the other three they would refuse to participate in this mission. They are closer to Kakashi than you are; they would never willingly be part of a plan that could possibly cause Kakashi's death. But I need someone there who understands the full meaning of the mission. I need someone there who will not underestimate the situation, someone who knows how vitally important this mission is. Konoha needs Kakashi, Konoha cannot afford to let the Copy Ninja die unnecessarily, I cannot afford it. I am not going to make the mistake of not interfering ever again," the Hokage smiles at me reassuringly, " But don't worry, if things gets out of hand I will come, I'll be watching what's happening and there will be ANBU situated around the village and around Kakashi to help protect everyone."_

_I nod, "I understand. But I want you to know that I don't think this is a particularly good idea. Remember, your job is to protect Konoha, not put it in danger. Don't put Kakashi above the law, and you better hope that he never finds out this is entirely your plan. He'll lose the little amount of trust he has in you, and Konoha cannot afford that."_

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A loud crash from inside Kakashi's apartment distracts me from my thoughts and pulls me out of my memories.

What is going on in there?

I sigh quietly and turn around to lean my elbows against the railing, letting my hands dangle over the edge. I examine the view from the balcony and find that it's quite impressive. Kakashi lives on the third story and as a result he has a better than average view of this side of Konoha. I watch as people make their way to work, as drug users buy their daily fix and shoot up, as alcoholics flirt with pissed off woman, as teenage girls walk through the streets in small frightened groups, and as children play oblivious to their surroundings and their unfortunate living conditions. Kakashi doesn't live in the best part of Konoha, which is well known among ninjas, but no one really knows why he lives here. After all, he can afford an apartment in a better part of the village if he wanted to.

Some say it's because he wants to detach himself from his father, from his past. By living in a place so drastically different from where he grew up so he can forget his past. Well, at least that's what most people think, but no one really knows for sure.

No one really knows anything about Kakashi. He has to be the most mysterious person to ever live in Konoha, much less be a Genius Jounin who some believe may be capable of one day rivaling the Legendary Three.

I think back to what happened, this day, eighteen years ago. I was seventeen then, young by my standards now but old by most standards then. I thought I knew everything, I thought I'd seen everything. How wrong I was.

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_**/Flashback/**_

"_What are you talking about Inoichi? You did not out-drink Choza, not even close!"_

"_Well I don't see you out-drinking Choza! At least I tried, and the fact that I'm still standing obviously means that I won!"_

"_Of course you don't see me out-drinking Choza; I don't even try because I'm not an idiot. And yes you're still standing but Choza drank at least three times as much as you which easily explains why he's won't be going home anytime tonight. Hope he has fun sleeping at the bar, or the street," I chuckle at the thought of Choza waking up tomorrow, confused and hung-over._

"_Shouldn't we have woken him up?"_

"_He's passed out," I laugh, "And I'm not dragging a passed out Choza home. It's his own fault for drinking over his limit."_

_Inoichi stumbles and I grab him quickly before he falls over. I steady him, laughing the whole time, and trying not to stumble myself. I'm not nearly as drunk as Inoichi is, so I don't find myself stumbling that much but I am feeling the affects of the alcohol._

_We walk along the dark streets of Konoha; chatting about nothing in particular, steady each other when we stumble. It was past midnight, definitely past midnight, probably close to three in the morning. It was a hard mission that we'd come home from today, or I guess it was technically yesterday when we came home, so naturally we decided to drown ourselves in alcohol._

_It seems like there were a lot of Konoha ninjas drowning themselves in alcohol these days. Must be the cool thing to do I guess._

_We were walking down an empty street, which was odd; so far every street we have walked down tonight has had at least some other people on it, people on breaks from their graveyard shifts or other drunks making their way home. But this street had no one on it, and it was completely silent and completely black. No lights on at all, no lights except for one._

_There was only one light on in one house near the end of the street. I look around and try to identify exactly where we are; and I easily recognize this street and I realize why there are no lights on here. This was the area of town were most of the Genius families live in, the ninjas with the natural talent who don't bother with drinking, who don't bother with anything other than training._

"_Hey Inoichi," I speak up, my tone becoming serious._

_Something feels off here._

"_Yes," he replies, far too giddy and far too drunk for my sudden mood change._

"_Do you think it's weird that that one house has a light on when no other houses do?"_

_Inoichi looks over to where I'm pointing and shrugs, "Not really. That's the Hatake house, and there not exactly known for their sanity or mental stability."_

"_How old is that Kakashi kid now anyways?" I ask quietly, wondering if what I think might have happened really did happen. I'd witnessed Hatake Sakumo's fall from grace and his one-time infamy had taken a very sharp nose dive upon his return. The shame he currently endured was rather substantial, so thoughts like those I currently harbored didn't seem as outlandish as normal._

"_Um…I think he's around seven, or eight, or something like that," Inoichi replies uninterested, "Must suck to have to live with Sakumo, hey?"_

"_I guess, probably sucks more now though. Ever seen the way the other kids treat him?"_

"_Nope. Never paid much attention. I try to steer clear of that kid, he's a freak. He's too blood thirsty for my liking," he replies with disgust._

"_Well, he was raised by Sakumo. Personally I think he's been pushed too hard. Those kids treat him like a monster. Well, to be honest I think almost everyone treats him like a monster."_

"_Do you?"_

"_Probably, I don't really know though. Never talk to the kid, rarely see him. I hear Yondaime's having a tough time training him."_

"_Why?"_

"_Yondaime's all about caring for others and taking care of your friends before the mission and all that shit. Kakashi's the complete opposite of that."_

"_How do you know?"_

"_I don't. I'm just guessing, that's all everyone does in regards with that kid anyways. I just figure that with his father falling into disgrace after that mission that the kid's going to grow up always choosing the mission over his comrades. Don't know if that's a good thing or not."_

"_I don't think anyone really knows."_

_By now our mood has become oddly depressive and we have also reached the Hatake house. We stop in front of it and just look at it, look at the only house with a light on inside. And something just doesn't feel right._

"_Do you feel anything odd?" I ask Inoichi, concern colouring my slightly slurred voice._

"_Nope, feels normal to me."_

"_Can you even feel Sakumo's chakra?" I ask in disbelief, I can't believe my friend doesn't feel the same strangeness I feel._

"_Um…I don't know. I feel someone's chakra. Don't know if it's Sakumo's or Kakashi's, they're almost the same strength anyways. But it's definitely only one person's chakra."_

"_So whose is it? Kakashi's or Sakumo's? Something's off here, something doesn't feel right. I think I'm going to go investigate."_

"_Don't bother Shikaku. What happens in that household isn't your problem to deal with. Don't try to fix that fucked up family, just leave them to themselves."_

"_I can't just leave here, not now. Something is wrong and I'm going to find out what. You can leave if you want but I'm going in that house."_

"_Fine, go, but I'm leaving. I'll see you tomorrow then. Just don't do anything stupid and get yourself killed. The Hatake's might not be the most mentally sane family in Konoha but Sakumo or Kakashi could probably kill you in a second if you piss them off. So be careful."_

"_Yah, whatever. See yah tomorrow," I wave him off and he stumbles down the street. I watch for a few minutes until he turns a corner and leaves my field of vision._

_I turn back to the Hatake house and take a deep breath. Why am I doing this? I don't even know either of the Hatake's; in fact I'm usually terrified of both of them. But right now I'm not afraid of them; right now I have this weird feeling that neither of them are going to be in any condition to fight me. How I know this is beyond me, I just do._

_Hatake Sakumo is a disgraced ninja of Konoha. Could he really have done what I have a feeling he did? Could he really have committed seppuku in an attempt to end his pain and repair his broken reputation? Could he really abandon his son? The son who needs him; the son who will probably fall into disgrace himself if he doesn't have anyone to lead him, any family left to care for him._

_I sigh and walk up to the door with heavy footsteps. Knocking on the door I wait, not breathing, for an answer._

_But none comes._

_Should I walk into this house without an invite? Without anyone to show me where to go? After all, this is the house of a renowned Jounin, not to mention the Hatake household. It wouldn't be too far fetched to think that there might be traps of some sort, something to protect the young child living here when the father was incapable of protecting him._

_Not that Kakashi really needs anything to protect him anyways._

_I slowly push open the door and it swings open. I stand in silence for a few minutes but nothing happens. I step inside and close the door behind me, it squeaks a little bit before clicking shut. Still nothing happens. I hold my breath, put my instincts on high alert, and take a few more steps into the front room._

_Nothing happens._

_I sigh with relief and take a deep breath, trying to settle my growing nerves. It's almost completely dark, the only light coming from the street lamps outside and the dull glow of a light from down the hall. A few more wary steps and I cross the front room. I enter the hall and walk further down it, passing doors on either side. I reach the top of a small set of stairs, the light coming from the room at the bottom of the steps. I take a deep breath and descend slowly, waiting for a trap that I now know will probably not come._

_I reach the bottom and pause for a few moments, letting my eyes adjust to the blinding light. As I wait I listen to the soft sounds of sobbing._

_Sobbing isn't a good sign._

_Slowly the room comes into focus and the scene unfolds before me. I had thought this was what had happened but even though I had prepared myself for this it was still a shock. It was still not what I had expected._

_Oh, I knew there would be blood, I knew it would stink something fierce; I knew he would be dead. But what I hadn't accounted for was the reaction of the child._

_I just stand, frozen, looking at the child, looking at the Genius Kakashi, already a Chuunin, already a killer._

_He was sitting, knees hugged into his chest, face buried into his knees, rocking back and forth._

_Sobbing._

_Blood soaked the carpet of the small study, blood soaked the kids clothes, soaked his hands, it was even in his silver hair. A katana lay an arm's reach away from the kid, blood covered it too. But Sakumo's head, neck, and shoulders were unmarred and still intact. He obviously had died from the disembowelment._

_I fought the vicious urge to wretch, already present from all the alcohol I'd consumed earlier that evening._

_How did no one notice? How did no one hear? Had Sakumo been completely silent the whole time? Was that even possible? I'm quite sure seppuku is probably painful, the whole removing your internal organs doesn't sound like a fun, enjoyable thing to do._

_Had Kakashi been asked to be the kaishakunin? Had Sakumo really asked his own son to behead him? If that isn't a sign of someone sick in the head then I don't know what is._

_I take a deep breath, the smell of blood and gore assaults my senses but I force myself to ignore it. Now is not the time to deal with the body; now the young child comes first._

_I walk forward and kneel in front of Kakashi, the sticky blood soaks into my pants but I barely notice it._

"_Kakashi?" I whisper, effectively preventing my voice from shaking or slurring._

_The child raises his gray eyes and stares at me. Tears flow freely down his face but he quickly wipes them away with the back of his hand. It was a pretty pointless thing to do though because new tears wet his face almost immediately after._

"_I tried…I really did try," he murmurs out, voice cracking._

_How long had he been here, how long ago did this happen? I'm still shocked that no one heard, still shocked that Sakumo would do this in front of his son._

"_Come on," I whisper in the best caring voice I could muster. The voice I used to use at the academy when I had to help teach the young children, "Let's go see the Hokage, okay?"_

"_Sensei?" he chokes out._

_I nod and smile reassuringly at the kid. I stand up and offer my hand to him. He isn't a blood thirsty monster after all; he's still just a little kid, despite his own best efforts to appear otherwise._

_He takes my hand and I pull him up to a standing position. I loosen my grip and start to pull my hand away but he closes his own hand tighter, prevents me from letting go. I look down at him but he's not looking at me, he's looking at his father's body._

"_Let's go," I say, trying to make my voice neutral and non-judgmental._

_But he doesn't move. He just stands there. I decide to just wait for him to move when he's ready._

_We wait for a long time, I don't know how long because I don't keep track but I know it's a long time. Still he doesn't move, still he just stares at his father._

"_Kakashi?" I gently probe._

_The kid turns his head and stares at the ground. I take a step and he follows suit. Together we walk across the study, up the stairs, down the hall, and into the front room. The faint sunlight of dawn shines through the windows and I realize that I was either here for an incredibly long time or it had been later than I thought it was when I left the bar. We walk to the door and I pull it open. Kakashi raises his head and looks out to the street slowly filling up with people making their way to work, or school, or wherever else they're going. I look down at him and he wipes his face and eyes with the back of his right hand but I don't think it really helps. He's still sniffing and choking back sobs. He returns his eye focus to the ground._

_I step through the door and out of the house, he follows suit but his left hand grasps my right hand even harder. Why was he attaching himself to me so much? I don't even know him and he doesn't even know me. And after today we'll probably go right back to not acknowledging each other's existence._

_And I thought I knew everything._

_We walk in silence, people stare, especially the ninjas. It's not often that Kakashi is seen with anyone other than his father or Yondaime; yet here he is, not just walking with me but holding my hand. Not just being seen with me but being seen with me covered in his father's blood and silently crying. I wonder how many will make the connection? I wonder how many will figure out what happened?_

_We walk in silence, the sun slowly rising, the people staring. I don't pay attention to anything but the path; I don't take in the details of my surroundings. I try to ignore everyone and everything and just focus on getting Kakashi to Yondaime. If anyone can help the kid right now it's the Hokage._

_And it's definitely not me._

_Before I know it we're at the Hokage's door and I knock two times. I didn't notice when we passed through security or when we walked up the stairs but we did and now we're here._

"_Come in," I hear Yondaime call out from inside, in his ever cheerful voice._

_I push the door open and walk in. Kakashi still grasping my hand, still staring at the ground, still sniffing ever so slightly. The Hokage is staring out his window, back facing us. He doesn't see us._

"_What brings you here Shikaku? So early in the morning?" Yondaime asks with a small chuckle._

"_Sensei?" Kakashi whispers, his voice dry and cracking, his hand grasping mine even tighter._

"_Kakashi?" Yondaime asks, worry colouring his voice as he turns around to look at us, "What…what happened to you two?"_

_The confusion and shock appear with great speed on his face at the sight of both of us standing there, blood soaking some of my clothes and almost all of Kakashi's._

_Kakashi releases his grip on my hand and his own hand falls to his side. The three of us just stand there; the Hokage seems to be in complete shock. It was only a few seconds but it seemed more like a few long minutes._

"_My…fa…father," Kakashi manages to choke out. He sounds like he's barely holding back sobs, barely holding on to the last thread of control he has._

"_I'll speak to you later Hokage," I state. I don't wait for a response; I just turn around and start to leave._

"_Wait."_

_I pause in the doorway at the Hokage's voice. Hand on the doorknob, ready to close the door behind me._

"_What happened?"_

_I can hear the muffled sobs of the kid from where I'm standing. The Yondaime must have hugged Kakashi but I don't want to turn around to see. I have an image of Kakashi in my head, and it's an image I don't feel needs to be changed anytime soon._

"_Shikaku?" The Fourth Hokage presses me._

"_Seppuku," I whisper before quickly walking out, shutting the door silently behind me._

_Shutting out the sobs; shutting out the memory._

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Sounds of commotion from inside Kakashi's apartment shake me out of my memory and I turn around quickly. The sun is higher in the sky now. How long have we been here? I didn't pay attention. I know I can't underestimate this situation, I know the Hokage is trusting me to not let my own blind trust get in the way of this mission.

Even though I know this I still have a sinking feeling that I won't live up to the Hokage's expectations.

I focus my chakra, trying to sense where everyone is on the other side of the door and I realize, almost too late, that Kakashi is about to reach the door, about to escape. Quickly, with the speed of years of training, I collect my shadow beneath me and send it under the door. I sigh with relief as I sense Kakashi's chakra become ensnared within my jutsu and I can now sense his body as if it were part of my own. I have caught him, but now comes the difficult part.

Calmly I walk to the door and open it. I enter Kakashi's apartment and shut the door behind me.

"The Hokage requests that you come now, he doesn't wish to make everyone wait any longer," I state, making my voice calm and bored. But inside I'm shaking; inside I know I almost fucked up this mission by not paying attention.

"Bastard," Kakashi angrily mutters at me, "When did you get here?"

"Just now," I lie, "I wouldn't be here unless the Hokage sent me, I'm not too inclined to get you pissed off and get myself murdered. I like living; its semi fun, not that you would really know."

I don't know why I lied, maybe because I felt like I just got here? I store that piece of information, that weird spur-of-the-moment behavior, in the back of my mind so that I can think about it later and figure out why I did it.

Kakashi makes no response, not even a flicker of movement in his face or eyes; nothing to even acknowledge that he heard me.

I blink and for a second Kakashi's face is replaced with his tear-streaked face from eighteen years ago. Does he resent me for being the one to find him? For being the one to see him first? I don't know, I've never asked, and I know I will never ask him. After that day we went back to not acknowledging each other's presence. I blink again and his face returns to his present face, the tear-streaked child face is gone now.

Even today, even now, we barely talk to each other, barely look at each other, barely acknowledge each other. It's like some sort of unspoken promise between us, some sort of unspoken law. I've never brought up that day to anyone, never talked about what happened and what I saw except to the Fourth Hokage.

Actually, that's a lie. After the Fourth Hokage died I told the Third Hokage about that day and what I saw. I thought he deserved to know what happened from me, my account, not just what Yondaime had told him. I can sense a slight stinging in Kakashi's arm and know that it's easily twenty times worse for him as it is for me. How he's able to remain conscious and coherent enough to effect any type of escape astounds me yet again. It seems even in this psychotic state, his genius instincts are functioning normally.

"Kurenai, why don't you actually do something?" I speak up, turning my head to make eye contact with her, "Go to the bathroom, find a medic kit, and bandage Kakashi's cuts before he bleeds all over his apartment," I return my eye contact to Kakashi and address him, "You do have a medic kit, right?"

"Yes," he responds in a flat tone.

I listen to Kurenai's footsteps as she walks to the bathroom, I listen to her rummaging through the bathroom as she looks for the medic kit, I listen as she slowly walks back to Kakashi.

And the whole time I keep my eyes focused on Kakashi's, except they're not really focused because though I'm looking at Kakashi, I'm really trying to look through him. I've already seen the blank, unemotional, cold, and confused look that shines in Kakashi's eyes today and I don't want to see it again. It's just like what I saw eighteen years ago; the pain in his eyes, the sadness, the grief. All the same except this time there aren't any tears, this time there aren't any sobs, this time there isn't any acceptance. There's a saying that the eyes are the windows to the soul.

There's nothing truer.

Kurenai reaches Kakashi's side and opens up the small medic kit. I raise my right arm and turn it so that my forearm and palm are facing up. I watch as Kakashi's own right arm copies mine.

I watch in silence as Kurenai does her job and cleans and bandages Kakashi's cuts. The sun shines faintly behind me and shadows dance oddly across the floor of the room. I try not to focus on the floor, or the walls, or any other part of Kakashi's apartment. I don't want to see what he's done; I don't want to get too involved. I'll do my part, I'll leave, and I'll never talk or acknowledge that this day ever happened. Just like eighteen years ago.

It's easier to forget then most people would think. Well, that's actually a lie because you never really forget. You just layer over the memory with happier memories, nicer memories. You bury the bad ones, pretend they're not there. I guess that's what drives people insane in the end. I guess that's what has fucked Kakashi up so much. But it probably gets harder to do the more bad memories you get, and since I don't have an incredible huge amount of guilt and memories I'd rather forget I can afford to just bury the bad ones. People like Kakashi, people who've suffered far too much than they are equipped to deal with, can't afford to just bury the bad ones. Else they just end up like this.

But what is this?

"Kakashi," Kurenai's voice breaks through my thoughts, "When's the last time you ate anything? You look far too thin."

Gai's face reveals his shock and I look at him quizzically. More for the fact that I just noticed his presence over the fact that he's shocked over Kurenai's question. I turn my focus to Kurenai and send her a quizzical look but she doesn't even pay attention to me, or anyone else for that matter.

"I don't know," Kakashi finally replies after the silence has stretched on for a few minutes, "It's also none of your business. I can take care of myself. I am an adult you know."

I sigh in my head, "Kakashi," I speak up, ignoring what just conspired, "If I release the Kage Shibari will you try to get away again?"

What the fuck am I doing? Didn't the Hokage specifically tell me not to underestimate the situation? Didn't he tell me to make sure I don't let my blind trust get in the way?

No matter what I do, what I think about, I can't get the image of Kakashi from eighteen years ago out of my head. I can't shake that memory; I can't push it out of my mind. It's almost as if I subconsciously think that getting Kakashi out of my sight, out of my immediate surroundings, will get the memory out of my head.

Or maybe it's just the fact that I'm blindly trusting Kakashi, maybe it's just the fact that no matter what I will still trust Kakashi with my life.

I don't think that's a particularly good thing.

Faintly I see Asuma shake his head at me and mouth the word "No" but I just ignore him. I know he's the mission leader, I know what he's thinking is correct, more rational than my thinking. But right now I don't care; right now I just want out of here with the least amount of trouble.

Besides, if I did this with Kakashi eighteen years ago I can do it again, right?

A small voice in the back of my mind reminds me that eighteen years ago Kakashi was eight, not twenty-six.

"No," he answers in that flat tone, "You guys win, I can't defeat you all."

I believe him, and I don't know why. I trust him even though I know that I shouldn't. I trust him even though every rational part of my brain is screaming at me not to. Maybe it's just that I want so badly to trust and believe that he'll come back to us; that somewhere in that screwed up head of his, he still WANTS to come back.

I banish the thought of any other alternative, it's too painful to think about right now.

Fuck. This whole trust and sort-of-friends-but-not and sort-of-understanding thing is really screwing with my brain and the way I'm dealing with this. I didn't think it would be this hard.

I release the Kage Shibari and watch, holding my breath, for some drastically dramatic murderous rampage to commence. But nothing happens.

It's always like this with Kakashi, nothing happens when you expect it to happen but something always happens at the one time you drop your guard. The one time you let your attention slip just a tiny bit.

Asuma walks past Gai, past Kurenai, and stands beside Kakashi, slightly behind him. I watch as he puts his right hand on Kakashi's left shoulder and says, "Come on Kakashi, let's go."

Kakashi nods, Asuma starts to walk past him, and I relax with relief.

I hear a crash and I look over my left shoulder, towards the offending sound, and see a broken window and Kakashi is no where in sight.

"Fuck!" Asuma yells and I look over to where Kakashi had just been standing.

I see Asuma doubled over in pain and clutching his stomach. I guess Kakashi got him with something. Probably a kunai, knowing Kakashi's choice of weapons.

Kurenai runs over to his side, kneels down beside him, and asks with concern colouring her voice, "Are you okay"

"I'm fine," he grunts out rather angrily, "Gai, go follow Kakashi! Get him before he kills someone!"

I turn to look at Gai and he nods, runs over to the broken window, and jumps through it. Can Gai deal with Kakashi by himself? I don't think he really can but there's not much I can do about it right now.

"See! I told you not to release the Kage Shibari. This is where your fucking trust got us!" Asuma yells at me, his anger growing with every word he says; every breath he takes.

"I didn't think…I trusted him," I stammered in a weak attempt at defending my inexcusable actions.

I've never known Kakashi, never known how to deal with him. If only this was eight year old Kakashi, then I would know what to do, then I would no how to act and how to deal with him.

Too bad it's not eight year old Kakashi; too bad Father Time has just kept on trudging along all these years and dragging Kakashi behind him.

"Didn't I tell you not to trust him? He's not Kakashi! All of you are blinded by your faith and your belief that he won't actually hurt us. Well you guys are wrong! There are team leaders for a reason; you're supposed to listen to them even if you don't agree with them!" Asuma continues yelling, but now it's not just directed at me but it's also direct at Kurenai.

I know he's right, I know he's better equipped at this then I am. The Hokage was right in making Asuma the team leader. He's the best at putting aside his emotions and dealing with Kakashi as if he's someone else.

And yet it's Asuma that knows Kakashi best. It's Asuma who is Kakashi's only friend.

That's sort of fucked up; in its own fucked up way.

Asuma sighs in frustration, "It doesn't matter now, let's just go."

"But Asuma…" Kurenai starts to protest.

He interrupts her, "I'm fine Kurenai. I've survived worse and I've fought with worse. Let's just stop Kakashi before he fucks over himself and someone else."

Kurenai nods, Asuma straightens up, and they walk over to the window. I start to follow them but the sun reflects off of something shiny and I turn my head to focus on the distraction. It's Kakashi's forehead protector lying on the floor a few feet away. I start to walk over to it but change my mind, realizing that I shouldn't worry about it and should just follow Asuma's orders.

Besides, if Kakashi wants to waste his Chakra by leaving his Sharingan uncovered and activated then I'm not going to interfere. It's probably better too, makes him weaker, and just a tiny bit easier to deal with.

I walk over to the window and jump out, landing on the balcony behind Asuma and Kurenai, and the three of us jump of the railing at the same time. Landing on the grass three stories below; crouched behind Gai.

"I give him a minute before he passes out," I faintly hear Gai say as I land on the grass that's still wet from the morning's dew.

The four of us straighten up at the same time and I look into Kakashi's eyes. They're glazed over and he does look like he's going to pass out. He's also missing that blank, grief filled stare that I detest so much.

And even though he looks like he's going to pass out I know he's not. He's a Genius, give him a few minutes and he'll return to his psychotic, murderous self. How exciting.

He blinks a few times and I see his eyes regain their focus. I quickly look away, not wanting to see that blank, cold, guilt ridden stare anymore. I've seen enough of it today to last me for many years. Instead I focus on the Third Hokage, who is focusing on Kakashi.

Well, this mission was a fucking failure. Sorry Sandaime, I didn't really listen to anything you told me yesterday. I didn't think I would meet your expectations earlier and now I know that I didn't meet your expectations. Hope you don't mind too much because now you get to fix our fuck up.

Besides, this whole thing was your plan from the beginning so it's only right that you get to deal with it.

"I'm sorry Kakashi," I hear the Hokage faintly say but I turn my attention to two birds building a nest, he continues in a guilt filled whisper, "I would've left you alone if I could've but we need you at this meeting. Can you please come? And can you pleas stop trying to murder everyone who's trying to help you?"

Time stretches on but I just continue to watch the two birds, not really paying attention to the others. I didn't want to be a part of this mission from the beginning. I knew this was a horrible plan from the beginning. And I know it's not over yet, I know there's still the rest of this stupid day left.

"Fine Sarutobi," Kakashi whispers in response after a very long, and very silent, passage of time.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs, barely audible above the singing birds, whispering wind, and my own distracted thoughts.

I return my attention to Kakashi and I watch as he drops his gaze to the ground and refuses to look at anyone. At least he seems somewhat calmer now; at least someone was able to do something.

I wonder where this day will be placed on Kakashi's list of not-so-great-and-want-to-forget memories. I can only guess.

And in the end that's the only thing I can ever do with Kakashi; guess.

After all these years, after everything I've seen, I still know no more about Kakashi than I did eighteen years ago. I still understand nothing about him and what he goes through everyday.

And I'll just keep on guessing.

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**Kaishakunin: **is an appointed second whose duty is to behead one who has committed seppuku at the moment of agony. ßßß Thanks wikipedia!

**Seppuku: **is a form of Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment. In the world of the warrior it is a deed of bravery that was admirable in a samurai who knew he was defeated, disgraced, or mortally wounded. It meant that he could end his days with his transgressions wiped away and with his reputation not merely intact but actually enhanced. ßßß Thanks wikipedia! Again!

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_**Author's Notes: **Sarutobi's chapter is the only one left. Then the sequel! This chapter was a relief to write, actual new material in this one, which was incredible enjoyable to think up and write down. Hope you all like!_

_**IMPORTANT: **I will not be updating this story until mid-June (possible late-June). For more details please see my profile...I've explained why in my profile. I'm really, really, really sorry! I hope none of you hate me now or anything._


	6. Sarutobi

**Black Day**

_**Summary: **Those haunting eyes again, will they ever truly disappear? Or will Kakashi harbor them for the rest of his life? It's a question I just can't answer right now. / What does Kakashi's Black Day means to himself and his friends? What's the reason behind it and why does he change so much? _

_**Genre: **Angst_

_**Rating: **T_

_**Author's Notes: **This is it…the last chapter. I want to thank everyone who has read so far, everyone who has left reviews, and everyone who has patiently stuck by and waited for this last chapter. I'm glad you guys (and gals!) liked this story. The sequel has been started but I don't know when I will post it…just don't hold your breath. I'm hoping to have it up soon but I'm horrible with schedules, especially right now because I'm unbelievably busy with dance and auditions and performances and stuff like that. And since this story took like nine bazillion years to finish don't hold your breath waiting for the next story else you will most likely die if you do. Unless you can hold your breathe for nine bazillion years…then you'll be fine._

_**Disclaimer: **Naruto is not mine. I do not own Naruto. Me not own Naruto. Get it yet?._

**Please R&R…Thanks!**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Twenty-six, at twenty-six years old he's lost control. At twenty-six he's lost all hope. At twenty-six, when he finally has something to really live for he's fallen.

Yet I'm not surprised.

Somehow, in the back of my mind, I always knew that this would happen. I always knew that as soon as Kakashi would pass a Genin team he would fall; as soon as Kakashi began to get attached to anyone he would slowly kill himself in hopes of preventing himself from failing his newly passed team.

He's never been good with working with others, he's never been good with training others, and he's never been good with patience.

I knew this all and yet I still insisted he become a Jounin-sensei, I still believed that having the responsibility of a Genin team would help break him from his shell. I still believed that somewhere inside of Kakashi he **wanted** to break out of his shell; he wanted to trust others and work with others.

But I guess trying to believe and trying to help is better than just giving up. Because giving up on Sakumo didn't help Konoha and it didn't help Kakashi.

And it's not like all hope is lost. He's just stumbled a little, we can still help him. I have to believe that I can help him; I have to believe that he's not too far gone.

"Sandaime, when will they be here?" Genma speaks up.

I lift my distracted gaze from the small crystal ball and sweep my eyes over the occupants of the room, all Jounin sitting on the floor and waiting.

"I don't know," I reply with a sigh, returning my gaze to the crystal ball, "I was hoping they'd be here by now but by the looks of it, it seems that they might need some help."

"Why do we have to wait for him?" Hayate asks angrily, "Why do we always have to wait for him?"

He coughs and I sigh once again.

"Very well," I begin, "If you are all so impatient to get this meeting over with then I will go myself to get Kakashi."

I push my chair back and stand up. I sweep my hand over the crystal ball and the image it was showing disappears so that no one else will be able to see what I was just watching.

"Do not leave and do not make any sudden movements when I get back. You all know what day it is today and you all know how Kakashi will be. Do not get him angry," I smile at them reassuringly and turn around.

Quickly I walk through a back door, only available for use by the Hokage.

I begin my journey to Kakashi's apartment, knowing very well what I've gotten this village into and how the others are dealing with Kakashi.

I walk, I think, and I remember.

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_**/Flashback/**_

_I hear a quite knock on my door and Yondaime's voice, "Sandaime?"_

_"Come in," I answer, not removing my focus from the scroll I was reading._

_I hear the door open and two people walk in. The door quietly shuts behind them_

_Someone's crying._

_I lift my gaze from the scroll and quickly stand up at the sight before me. I hide my concern and shock, knowing it won't help the situation._

_"What may I do for you two?" I ask, smiling reassuringly at the sniffling Hatake; the Hatake wearing clothes soaked with blood._

_I have a feeling I know what happened. When no one responds I turn my focus to Yondaime._

_"Sakumo?" I whisper._

_Yondaime nods and that's all I need to know._

_"Do you think you could temporarily fill in as Hokage for a couple of days?" he asks me quietly._

_"Of course," I respond with a smile, "I'll be happy to do so."_

_"Thank you," the Fourth Hokage replies with a grateful smile._

_I return my gaze to Kakashi and sadly smile at the young child, "I'm sorry."_

_The child shakes his head, "Don't be," he chokes out, "It's my fault. If it's anyone's fault it's mine. I…I couldn't stop him. I tried but I couldn't," he sniffles, "I'm sorry."_

_"Kakashi," Yondaime whispers, kneeling beside the child and turning Kakashi's head to face him, "Don't say such things. This wasn't your fault; there was nothing you could do to stop this. You mustn't believe that you caused this because you didn't."_

_"Of course I did!" Kakashi yells in anger, "I could've stopped him! I know it! If I wasn't such a failure he would've stayed for me! He would've lived for me!"_

_"Kakashi," I whisper, taking a step forward, "Yondaime's right…"_

_"I couldn't even end his pain!" Kakashi's interrupts while turning around to face me, "I wasn't even strong enough to be he's kaishakunin! What kind of Shinobi am I if I couldn't even end my father's pain?"_

_Fresh tears escape the young child's eyes and flow down his face, "I couldn't…" he trails of in a mere whisper._

_"Kakashi…"_

_"Don't!" Kakashi screams at his sensei._

_The child twists away from Yondaime and bolts out of room. We both stand there and listen to him as his footsteps fade out of hearing range._

_"Take as long as you need and don't leave him alone. If you need me to watch him at any time then I will gladly do so."_

_The Fourth Hokage sadly nods, realizing how hard this is going to be for all of us. Especially now: in the middle of a war._

_"He should stay at your place for awhile," I continue._

_"I was thinking the same thing," he whispers, "If you need me just send for me, else don't expect to see me for awhile."_

_I nod and watch as the Fourth Hokage walks through the door and follows his young student._

_This is going to be hard on us all._

_I return to my desk and get out a plain piece of paper to begin organizing the preparations for Hatake Sakumo's funeral._

_I find it hard to believe that Konoha's White Fang is dead_

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

I take a deep breath, allowing the freshness of the morning to assault my senses and clear my mind, or at least attempt to clear my mind.

I walk down the familiar roads to enter the less familiar roads of Kakashi's neighbourhood. It always pains me to walk in this part of Konoha. It seems that no matter how hard I try or what I do it never helps this neighbourhood. Too many people suffer here and beg me for help, yet when I offer it they never accept it.

Some people are just too stubborn for their own good.

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_**/Flashback/**_

_I raise my head at the sound of knocking on my door. Puzzled as to why someone would dare come here so soon after the battle I quietly reply, "Enter."_

_The door squeaks open and in walks a young silver-haired Jounin, the only silver-hair Jounin in all of Konoha. His clothes are still soaked with blood but that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is the haunting look in his eyes and the mental anguish that radiates from him._

_And I know why, my God do I know why. I had hoped that this young shinobi would never have to face such pain again but alas, the Gods have decided against my wishes._

_I stand up from my desk and walk over to the prodigy, walk over to the child thrust into this war far too soon. He watches me; mismatched red and gray eyes pierce into me and follow my every step. I cross the small distance from my desk to where he stands and place my left hand on his right shoulder, his shaking right shoulder._

_His eyes glisten with unshed tears and he just stares at me, it seems that this young child cannot speak. It seems that this death has hit harder than any other but that doesn't really surprise me. What surprises me is that this death came so soon, far sooner then anyone in Konoha had ever imagined._

_I watch as tears unwillingly break through his barrier and slide down his face, I watch as he just stares at me. Unmoving, uncaring, and yet in his eyes I see so much shame at the same time. _

_And all I can do his hug him. Hug him and watch as my own tears fall into his silver, blood-stained hair._

_I can't say anything to ease his pain for anything I say would simply be lies and false hope. How can I help this child heal his soul when I haven't healed my own yet?_

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

I blink myself out of my memories and try to focus on where I'm going and what I'm suppose to be doing.

But I can't shake the past out of my head, it just keeps coming back.

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_**/Flashback/**_

_I stand in silence, the wind whistles through the nearby trees, and I watch the only shinobi left in Team Yondaime place three white flowers in front of his sensei's picture. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that one flower is Kakashi's own; one is from the deceased Rin, and one is from the deceased Obito. _

_He doesn't cry._

_I don't think he has anymore tears left to cry, I think he's spent them all already. And I can't help but feel that this child will never truly recover from this death. Had it been only Rin who had died in the battle then I think Kakashi would've been fine in due time._

_But it wasn't just Rin, it's also Yondaime. The Yondaime; Fourth Hokage to the Hidden Village of Leaves, Jounin-sensei to one of the greatest child prodigy's to ever be born in Konoha._

_He's dead._

_And I have a foreboding feeling that this is going to break Kakashi and there isn't much I can do to help. Yondaime was the only person Kakashi still trusted, the only person he could still talk to. I'm uncertain whether he will fully open up to me._

_I guess all I can do now is wait; wait and hope he accepts help from me. But since he's exactly like his father I have a sinking feeling that he won't accept any help from anyone. Stubbornness runs in that family._

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

I take a deep breath and realize that I'm almost at Kakashi's apartment. I need to calm down and stop thinking of the past and start focusing on the present but I can't seem too. I have a feeling that Kakashi is going to break today, again, and I thank God that I've place ANBU around Konoha to protect the civilians.

Today is going to be a long day.

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_**/Flashback/ **_

_It's a miracle this kid is still alive. It's miracle I'm standing here watching him breathing._

_A standard-issued suicide drink, kept in a small, easily breakable glass container and worn around the neck on a string. Meant to be used incase of capture by the enemy; not for a fourteen-year-old genius shinobi to attempt to kill himself with. _

_I can only thank God that he didn't try to gut himself with a katana. That would've been a lot harder to fix, if not impossible. _

_I can't say I'm surprised. _

_All I can do is stand here and wait, stand and watch as every breath he takes fogs up the breathing mask keeping him alive._

_Stand and wait, stand and hope he wakes up from this coma. I find it hard to believe he would do this so soon, that he didn't even attempt to get help. The funeral was only a couple hours ago, the battle less than twenty-four hours ago. Yet here he lies._

_And the doctor's say he may never wake up again, or he might wake up at any time. They don't know and they can't say. But they do know that whenever he wakes up, if he wakes up, that he'll need to be put on twenty-four hour watch for an indefinite amount of time._

_I should've put him on watch yesterday. None of this would've happened if I had just been thinking straight yesterday._

_I can't help but feel guilty, first his father and now him. What have I been doing wrong? Why does it seem that I can't break through the Hatake barrier and actually help the two shinobis in all of Konoha that have needed my help the most?_

_I promised Sakumo that I would take care of Kakashi for him, I promised him. Yet here his son lays, on his deathbed, and I could've prevented this if I just had my head screwed on straight and thought properly about things yesterday._

_I got too caught up in my own emotional pain and forgot about how this would affect others; especially Kakashi. He's life has already been shattered before, why does it seem that some unseen force wishes this young Jounin too suffer even more? _

_I'll be amazed if he lives to see his eighteenth birthday._

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

But he did live to see his eighteenth birthday, and eight more after that. To think he's made it this far only to break once more, unbelievable really. I've yet to fully penetrate his protective barrier and get him to completely trust me. I've always believed that that will come with time, but is time running out?

All those years ago I promised Sakumo that I would protect his son. Have I failed that promise?

Some days, like today, I believe I have; others I think that I haven't. But what would define success? What did Sakumo really intend for me to do when he asked me his finally favor?

I've finally reach the outside of Kakashi's apartment. I look up and I can easily see Shikaku resting against the balcony outside Kakashi's door. The rest have gone in, I know that already.

Unwillingly my mind wanders down the path to the past yet again.

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_**/Flashback/**_

_Seven days, I've been sitting here, in this same chair, for seven days. Seven days of waiting for Kakashi to wake from this self-induced coma._

_Seven days of tired pain, one full week of emotional destruction._

_It took seven days for any sign of life. At first it had been a small moan a few minutes ago, a moan I thought I had imagined._

_A few seconds ago it was a louder moan._

_And now I watch as the child prodigy, the son of Hatake Sakumo blinks a few times and returns to the world of the living._

_He lays there for a few silent seconds, lays there and stares at the ceiling while taking deep breaths. Breaths that fog up his breathing mask that's been keeping him alive._

_The silver-haired Jounin turns his head and his eyes pierce into mine. Eyes full of pain and confusion. Quietly he reaches up and pulls of his breathing mask, breathing in fresh air for the first time in a week._

_His eyes never leave mine._

_"I guess it just wasn't meant to be," he whispers, barely audible above the beeping of the machine monitoring his heart._

_I nod, unable to speak for the relief of seeing this young child alive chokes me and steals the words from my throat. _

_"Please tell me it was a nightmare…please Sarutobi, tell me it was all a nightmare. Tell me that Rin and Yondaime are still alive…" the child chokes out, his voice breaking with every word, "Please…"_

_All the while his piercing eyes never leave mine. And all I can do is shake my head._

_Kakashi just shakes his head back, "Please…just tell me their still alive…I don't care if it's a lie just please…I…I…please…just lie…"_

_"Kakashi, you know I can't…"_

_"Please! Just fucking lie!" He's barrier completely shatters and the tears start falling._

_"Kakashi…" I whisper, standing up and taking the few steps to his bed. I sit down on the edge and pull the child up into a hug. I can feel his tears soaking my clothes and I try so hard to block out his quiet sobs but I just can't manage too._

_"I'm sorry," the child mutters quietly._

_"For what?" I ask, allowing a hint of confusion to enter my voice._

_"I didn't…I didn't really mean for this to happen…I don't really want to die. I…I just…just wanted to pain to go away. I…I just wanted to…to pretend it never…never happened…" Kakashi manages to explain between his quiet sobs._

_"I understand Kakashi," I reply, trying to comfort him, "Just promise me this Kakashi,"_

_"What?" he whispers, pushing away from my hug to look at me with those haunting eyes of his._

_I sadly smile at him, "Promise me that you'll talk to me, that you'll trust me. Promise me you'll come to me if you need to talk, if you need help with anything. No matter what it's about or when, just promise me."_

_He nods and whispers, "I promise."_

_I pull him into a hug once more and we stay there for some undetermined amount of time; the only sound coming from Kakashi's quiet sobs and the beeping of the monitoring machine._

_"I've always trusted you," the silver-haired Jounin mutters quietly and I can't help but smile._

_He may just make it through this after all._

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

I'm rudely shaken out of my memories by the sounds of someone landing in front of me. I blink and recognize the intruder immediately,

"Kakashi?" I ask, trying to get the shinobi's attention.

He freezes in his crouched position, but after a few seconds he looks up to stare at me.

Those haunting eyes again, will they ever truly disappear? Or will Kakashi harbor them for the rest of his life?

It's a question I just can't answer right now.

"Attacking your teammates again?" I ask quietly, noticing the blood that covers his right hand.

I watch as the silver-haired Jounin looks down to his hand and confusion flashes across his face, but it's quickly gone; hidden behind his carefully placed emotional and mental walls.

What happened to that promise Kakashi? Why do you not trust me anymore?

I watch as he stands up slowly, wavering slightly. He squints at me, those haunting eyes are glazed over and I begin to worry even more. Which I didn't think was possible.

"You've pushed yourself too hard," I say, trying to keep my voice level and calm, "I was hoping you'd get to the meeting in one piece but it seems I was hoping for too much. I guess I should send more than four Jounins next time."

I shrug but I don't really know why, "You really should try to take care of yourself better around this time of year. From the looks of it you haven't eaten much in the last month or so, you're wasting away. Your body doesn't have the strength to keep going. And you really should have your Sharingan covered; it's using too much of your Chakra."

I don't know why I was saying this; to waste time maybe? I really don't know. Kakashi knows everything I'm telling him, Kakashi's a genius; he understands this.

"I give him a minute before he passes out," Gai says has he lands behind Kakashi. If Kakashi was a normal shinobi I would agree with Gai.

But Kakashi's not a normal shinobi, never has been and never will be. I know that in a few minutes time the silver-haired Jounin's body will kick into its next gear, it always does. It seems that Kakashi's body never runs out of gears to shift to, no matter how long he forces it past its limits.

He's body doesn't seem to have any limits, and that is very unnerving right now.

Kurenai, Asuma, and Shikaku land behind Gai and I watch as all four of them straighten up at the same time. My eyes get drawn to Asuma and his wound.

Explains the blood on Kakashi's hand.

I make eye contact with Asuma and nod slightly; I'm now taking over this mission. I didn't really expect them to be successful with this anyways. I hoped they would but I knew, even though I denied it, that they wouldn't be successful.

I return my sight to Kakashi, who has regained control of his body and his eyes have become clear and focused again.

Those haunting eyes, I'm really beginning to hate those eyes. I don't think it would be so bad if they weren't two different colours.

They're freaky really, even on normal days when they aren't filled with guilt, sadness, loneliness, despair, and shame. On completely normal days there's still something **different** about them, something off, something that's not quite the same as everyone else's eyes. There's always a lingering sadness in them, no matter how hard he tries to hide it its still there for anyone to see if they just look hard enough. There's a saying that the eyes are the window to the soul.

There's nothing truer.

"I'm sorry Kakashi," I begin, trying to keep my voice steady and level, "I would've left you alone if I could've but we need you at this meeting. Can you please come? And can you please stop trying to murder everyone who's trying to help you?"

He looks away and I breathe a small sign of relief. If he looks away I don't have to stare into those eyes, those eyes that seem to accuse me of so much and yet thank me for so much at the same time.

I wonder; does anyone understand Kakashi? Does Kakashi understand Kakashi? Will anyone ever truly break through his barrier and really learn who the real Kakashi is? Is there even a real Kakashi underneath all those lies and masks? Sometimes I don't think there is.

But there has to be, there just has to be.

"Fine Sarutobi," he whispers, breaking the eerie silence. He keeps his head turned, watching whatever it his he's watching, "I'm sorry."

I watch as he drops his gaze to the ground and doesn't look at anyone.

And I wonder, is it too late?

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Kaishakunin**: is an appointed second whose duty is to behead one who has committed seppuku at the moment of agony. **_ßßß Thanks wikipedia!_**

**Seppuku**: is a form of Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment. In the world of the warrior it is a deed of bravery that was admirable in a samurai who knew he was defeated, disgraced, or mortally wounded. It meant that he could end his days with his transgressions wiped away and with his reputation not merely intact but actually enhanced. **_ßßß Thanks wikipedia! Again!_**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_**Author's Note:** YAH! I finally finished this story! My God that took a long, long time. Thanks to everyone who stuck by me and who's been patiently waiting. THANK YOU! _

_Review! Review! **REVIEW!** I think this chapter is the shortest but it's my favourite. Do you know how hard this was for me to write? Major writer's block forever but then just one day my writer's block was gone and here I found myself, finishing this story. I can't believe I managed to finish it. **/pats self on back/** My first story I've EVER finished. I'm stoked!_

_I hope you all liked it!_

_Please review…**/begs/**…please!_


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